[EP010] It's that guy!

(Professor Marika is sitting in his office, grading papers with a red pen. His door opens and slams shut, but he doesn’t bother to look up.)

Marika: What is it now, Tavarius?

Tavvy: They’re gonna put me on academic suspension, Professor.

Marika (finally looking up): And you’re telling me this why…?

Tavvy: Because without my scholarship I’m not gonna have the money to stay at this school next semester! Professor, my grades are like this because I’m spending all my time doing this superhero thing… can’t you do anything?

(Marika puts his pen down, pauses, and sighs.)

Marika: I got a letter a few weeks ago… I thought that you wouldn’t be interested, but perhaps this might get you enough money to pay for your next semester.

(He pulls a piece of paper from his desk drawer and hands it to Tavvy. Tavvy reads it.)

Tavvy: … A toy deal?

(A few weeks later…)

(Selan and Selanio stomp into the house, where Xeno is watching TV. Xeno looks up at them as they enter.)

Xeno: Where were you guys?

Selan: Toy store.

Selanio: Checking something out.

Xeno: … oookay. Selan, you willingly drove with Selanio?

Selan: You weren’t home. This couldn’t wait.

Xeno: What was so important?

Selanio: This. (He throws a box at Xeno)

Xeno: The hell…? A-An Omen action figure? When did we agree to this?

Selanio: We didn’t.

Xeno: The fuck is this? I don’t look like this! I look like—my skin’s all wrong!

Selanio: Look at mine! (He holds out a Baron action figure) It’s as short as yours! What a travesty!

Selan: You think that’s bad?! (She holds up a Lady Ira action figure) Selan is a B-cup! Barely! Why does my doll have—I mean— look at this, they’re as big as my head! Who can fight like that?!

Selanio (pulling an Apogee figure out of a bag): And of course, the toy for the hero is completely flattering, while we all look terrible. Gods, they even made him tall. Apogee can’t possibly be more than 5’6”! If that!

Selan: Selan’s nose doesn’t look like this, does it? Guys?

Xeno: We should sue.

Selan: We can’t do that, a judge isn’t going to take a case from supervillains! And we can’t very well sue under our real names.

Selanio: I say we kill someone!

Selan: Selan is inclined to side with the Baron, here. u_u

Xeno: Well, that’s an option too, I guess…

(Selan’s phone rings. She looks at it and cocks her head, confused, when she doesn’t recognize the number. She answers it on speakerphone)

Selan: Hello?

Brian (through the phone): I assume you’ve seen this monstrosity of a toy line already.

Selanio: Quantum? Why the hell is this fucker calling us?

Selan: Yeah we’ve seen it! I’m pissed!

Xeno: I assume you’re unhappy with it too?

Brian (phone): Of course! Have you SEEN what they did with Ann?

Selan: Yeah. I thought she looked pretty okay, actually.

Brian (phone): Are you kidding?! They made her eyes blue!

Selanio: So?

Brian (phone): Her eyes are purple, fucktard.

Selanio: Fuck you!

Brian (phone): ANYway. I looked it up and sure enough, Apogee commissioned this bullshit. Naturally, I feel the need to kill this fuck. Ann seems to think it might be a good idea for us to team up.

Selanio: I’m not teaming up with HIM.

Xeno: I don’t know, five against one… I do like those odds.

Selan: Selan has no problem with that.

Brian (phone): Honestly I hate the idea, but yeah, Ann’s saying the whole five-against-one thing, too.

Selan: Seriously? Hey, put her on.

Brian (phone): Hold on, I’ll put it on speaker… there.

Selan: Ann! You’re seriously for us teaming up against Apogee?

Ann (phone): Well, I don’t know, it’s mean, but it’s a whole lot better than attacking him on our own, considering how well that always seems to end.

Selan: Good point.

Brian (phone): Heyy.

Selan: It’s settled, then! We stop trying to kill each other long enough to kill Apogee! Awesome. How we doin’ this?

Selanio: Selanio has a brilliant plan.

Selan: Yeah?

Selanio: Yes. See, Selanio fucking hates his chem. lab.

Selan: Ooh, lemmie guess. We wreck up the place to lure Apogee over there…

Selanio: And destroy the lab so I don’t have to do that damn class. Two birds with one brick, yes.

Selan: Let’s do it. Everyone else okay?

Xeno: Fine by me.

Ann (phone): Okay.

Brian (phone): Let’s just get this over with.

(Not long after, the five villains are in costume and standing in the halls of the Chemistry building. Ira already has her hands over her ears.)

Lady Ira: So when are the bombs going—

(Several bombs go off throughout the building.)

Baron von Boom: Ahh, music to Baron von Boom’s ears~

Chandra: Well, I’m sure Apogee will hear about that soon enough.

Baron von Boom: Let’s smash up what’s left.

(And they do precisely that! They’re messing up the building’s large lecture hall when finally Apogee rushes in.)

Apogee: Stop!

Quantum: Took him long enough.

Lady Ira: Apogee! My associates and I have a bone to pick with you!

Apogee: Don’t you always?

Lady Ira: More than usual, I mean.

Apogee: It has something to do with those stupid toys, doesn’t it?

Baron von Boom: You’re damn right it does! (He throws the Baron action figure at Apogee) Baron von Boom is not short!

Apogee: Look, I’m only the one that gave the okay for them to make those, I didn’t design them or anything.

Lady Ira: Well, you shouldn’t have let them make them so stupid-looking! What the hell, man!

(The five villains start attacking Apogee)

Apogee (shielding his face from the onslaught): Hey! I wasn’t the one in charge of this! I—ow! I left it in someone else’s hands!

Quantum (shooting his laser): Whose?

Apogee: I’m not telling you that! (He rushes forward and tries to land a punch on Baron von Boom)

Baron von Boom (dodging): Well you’re just going to have to take responsibility for it, then! (he lifts Apogee up and throws him into a wall)

Lady Ira: Omen, hold him down!

(Omen nods, and uses his telekinesis to lift up several large heavy objects, which he throws at Apogee. He holds the objects down with all of his might, pinning the hero to the floor.)

Lady Ira: Okay! Everyone else, hit him with all you’ve got!

(Baron von Boom starts pelting Apogee with energy bolts while Quantum and Chandra shoot their lasers at him. This continues on until Apogee finally manages to throw off the junk Omen was holding onto him. He jumps out of the way of the barrage, his hair mussed and his clothes scorched but otherwise looking unharmed. He gasps, catching his breath.)

Lady Ira (throwing kunai at Apogee): We’re totally taking you down today, man! No one gets away with giving me huge jubblies!

Quantum: … “Jubblies”? Jeezus. (He sighs and shakes his head, then resumes shooting at Apogee)

Baron von Boom (to Omen): You know, Ira is the only girl I know who seems to like being flat.

Omen (shrugging): Eh, I’ve known a few other girls like that. I think it’s best if we don’t question it.

Apogee (trying to shoot some heat vision, but having it blocked by Ira): Come on, guys, this is ridiculous! After all the evil plans I’ve thwarted, this is what makes you guys band together to try to kill me?!

Lady Ira: That’s correct!

Omen: These toys make us look terrible! Not to mention you’re making money off of our appearances!

Apogee: It wasn’t even my idea!

Quantum: Bullshit!

Chandra: Sorry, but it really isn’t okay for you to just try to pass the blame…

Baron von Boom: Yeah, you wuss! Can’t just own up to what you’ve done, huh?

Apogee (under his breath): Goddammit, Professor, what’ve you gotten me into…

Lady Ira: What was that?

Apogee: I said, you’ll never defeat me!

(Apogee rushes forward and punches Omen in the stomach, then in the face, then throws him into Lady Ira, who tries to catch him but ends up getting knocked over. Baron von Boom attacks Apogee, and the two start exchanging blows. While Apogee is preoccupied, Quantum sneaks up behind and tasers Apogee in the back of the neck. While Apogee is stunned, the Baron lands several blows, and then lifts Apogee up.)

Baron von Boom: Omen! Go long!

(The Baron throws Apogee straight across the room. Before Apogee hits the wall, however, Omen uses his telekinesis to toss Apogee right back in the direction he came, and into another punch from the Baron. The blow sends Apogee flying a few feet back and then skidding across the floor, until he stops near the podium at the front of the room. Battered and beaten, Apogee groans)

Apogee: Ugh… Professor, this is your fault… you can handle it.

(Apogee presses a button on his watch. A light on the watch starts blinking.)

Baron von Boom (walking over): What did you just do?

Apogee: Nothing…

Quantum: Don’t fucking lie to us.

Apogee: You’ll see.

Baron von Boom (lifting Apogee up by the collar of his shirt): Baron von Boom will ask again. What did you just—

(Suddenly, an unfamiliar voice rings out!)

Voice: This had better be good, Apogee.

(Everyone turns to the back door and sees the legendary superhero Professor Pain standing at the door. He adjusts his mask and frowns.)

Professor Pain: What’s going on, here?

Omen: Oh my God.

Lady Ira: It’s that guy! That famous guy!

Baron von Boom: That retired famous guy. (He looks back to Apogee, still holding him) You called him here?! How?

Chandra: Perhaps they’re friends?

Baron von Boom: Pfft. Whatever. The Baron has defeated Apogee, and will defeat this one too. (He tosses Apogee aside)

Quantum: You defeated Apogee?!

Lady Ira: Don’t be a glory hog, Baron, we all did it.

Apogee: I don’t think you can call me defeated just yet…

Lady Ira: Shush, sore loser.

Professor Pain (sighing, clearly annoyed): So there’s five of you? Right.

(The Professor takes a deep breath, and then slams a fist into the ground. The floor shakes violently, knocking the five villains—plus Apogee—off balance. He then rushes forward with super-speed and within seconds, the five are defeated and are piled up in a heap.)

Baron von Boom (at the bottom of the heap): Ugh… what the hell just happened?!

Lady Ira: I think we got our asses kicked.

Omen: Shit… I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.

Lady Ira: A bus with fists.

Quantum: Chandra, are you okay?

Chandra (sitting neatly on the top of the pile): Yeah… I think he only slapped my wrists.

Baron von Boom: Probably because you’re a helpless little girl. u_u

(Meanwhile, Professor Pain has grabbed Apogee by the arm and started lecturing.)

Professor Pain: There is no excuse for your inability to handle this situation. How long did it take me to take care of them? Five seconds? Absolutely pathetic! Are we going to have to resume your training? Are you really that useless?

Apogee: I could’ve handled the situation myself.

Professor Pain: Then why the hell did you call me?

Lady Ira (pulling herself out of the heap): Heheh, Apogee’s gettin’ yelled at.

Professor Pain (looking back at Ira): You keep your mouth shut!

Apogee: They’re mad about the toys. That was your thing, I think you should deal with it.

Professor Pain (sighing): Oh, wonderful…

(Professor Pain walks back to the villains, who are all getting back on their feet. He cracks his knuckles.)

Professor Pain: Apogee is a very busy man, as I’m sure you’ll understand, and therefore he put the toy line in my hands. Any complaints concerning them should be directed to me.

Lady Ira: Er…

(The Baron clenches his fists, ready to complain in the form of violence, but before he can, Chandra steps forward.)

Chandra: We’re a little unhappy that you allowed them to make toys based on the five of us without our permission. You’re making money off of our faces, and that’s a violation of some sort of copyright law I’m sure. Furthermore, the thing that’s bothering us most is that the toys aren’t exactly flattering.

Professor Pain: You’re serious?

Chandra: Yes.

Professor Pain: You ought to be happy I saw you as being worth making toys out of at all. Honestly, what sort of villain gets bent out of shape over something like this? They used to make all sorts of toys based on the villains of my day—and a few unflattering ones of me, as well—and it wasn’t a big deal. Don’t you have anything more important to worry about?

Baron von Boom: You son of a-- (He rushes forward, but is stopped by Ira and Omen)

Omen: What’re you, crazy?

Lady Ira: That guy’s nuts! We can’t beat him!

Baron von Boom: He only took us down because we weren’t expecting it! Come on, let me go!

Professor Pain: Alright, look. If it bothers you so much, I’ll have the next series redesigned to look better and cut you a check to cover the copyrights or whatever. Is that fine?

Lady Ira: No big boobs on the new one!

Baron von Boom: If the new ones suck too we’ll totally destroy the city.

Professor Pain: Oh, I’m sure. (He rolls his eyes) Wait one moment, I’ll get my checkbook.

(Professor Pain leaves. Apogee sighs.)

Apogee: I swear to God, this is the stupidest thing ever.

Quantum: Yeah… yeah it is. -_-;

--End: Episode ten