[EP009] Damn!

(The scene is a public middle school. It’s lunchtime, and most of the students are in the cafeteria eating. Two kids, however, have snuck out and are sitting outside on a deserted side of the school.)

Ann: So that’s what all happened?

Brian (nodding): Yeah. I nearly had her, if only that stupid Omen hadn’t stepped in.

Ann: That seems so mean.

Brian: What?

Ann: I’m sure she thought that you were telling her to put up a barrier so she wouldn’t get hurt, but then you zapped her. It doesn’t seem fair.

Brian: It’s her own fault for letting her guard down. If she ever went up to me and said, “Hey, wanna see this thing I can do?” you know what I’d say? I’d say fuck no. Because I know better.

Ann: I know, but… what if you had killed her?

Brian: Honestly? I think I’d have been pretty pleased with myself.

Ann: …

Brian: … (He sighs) Look, Ann, I’m going to be honest with you: I’m a bad person. I’m the kind of person that can do terrible things and not feel particularly upset about it. I could have killed her that day and I really wish I had. That’s just who I am. And I know that you’re not like that.

Ann: Brian—

Brian: You don’t have to be involved with this. I never forced you to join me and if you wanted to leave I wouldn’t hold it against you. I understand completely. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.

Ann: No, I—I’ve told you before, Brian. I just want you to be happy. And if you think that this will make you happy, then I want to be right there with you.

Brian: Ann, I—er… thank you.

(Brian leans in toward Ann, and their lips are almost touching when the bell rings)

Brian: Damn!

Ann (grabbing her bag): We’re going to be late, come on.

(The two rush inside and to their next class. They just barely make it in before the second bell rings, and they sit down at their desks next to the far wall, with Ann sitting behind Brian.)

Teacher: Good afternoon, class! I hope you enjoyed yesterday’s lecture about college. Keeping up with this week’s college theme, we have an actual college student here to talk about her experiences.

Brian (turning toward Ann): Groooaaan.

Ann: Oh, don’t be that way, it could be interesting.

(The door opens and who walks in? None other than Selan herself! She stands at the front of the room and raises her arms.)

Selan: Hi guys! I’m Selan and I’m a real-live college student! BE AFRAID.

(The class just kinda sits there silently, not looking very scared. The teacher leaves to go do whatever it is that teachers do when someone else is watching their class.)

Selan: Mmyep, college. Now, I may be here just for the extra credit, but I swear I’m not like reading a script or anything. So let’s see, um… College is neat. And it’s expensive. Ohh gods, get lots of scholarships because you know textbooks? Like the ones in your lockers? Well, one this big, (She motions with her hands) costs like two hundred bucks. I’m not making this up.

(Meanwhile, Brian is staring at Selan, a look of deep concentration on his face.)

Selan: And like, when a teacher says attendance isn’t mandatory? That’s a TRAP. Go to class, guys. Trust me on this one.

(Brian blinks, something’s finally clicked in his brain. He gets out a piece of paper and scribbles a note, which he discreetly passes to Ann.)

(She reads it. It says:
It’s Lady Ira. That’s her.
Ann writes on the note,
Are you sure? Why doesn’t anyone recognize her?
And passes it back to Brian. He replies with,
Why doesn’t anyone ever recognize US?
Ann replies,
Good point. What should we do?
Brian’s last response is,
I have a plan. We’ll discuss it later.
And they stop exchanging notes.)

(After class, Brian and Ann rush out to the halls.)

Brian (speaking in a whisper so other people won’t hear): This is perfect. We can attack and get her completely off-guard! We could probably use her as bait to bring the rest of her group to us and…

Ann: What about class?

Brian: We’ve only got two more, we can skip and—No, no, that’s conspicuous. You go to class, I’ll take care of this. Head to the hideout after you get out, okay?

Ann (nodding): Okay. Good luck.

(Ann runs off to get to her next class. Brian sees Selan exit the classroom and he follows her, hidden in the crowd. Eventually she exits the building and he follows, quietly, reaching into his backpack…)

Selan (getting her cell phone out): Aww man, Xeno’s at work by now. I don’t wanna have to ride with Selanio…

(She starts to dial Selanio’s number, but is cut short when a taser dart hits her in the back of the neck. A shock of electricity goes through her and she falls to the ground, unconscious. Brian looks around to see if there are any witnesses—there aren’t, and he picks her up, with some difficulty. He activates the jetpack hidden in his backpack and flies off.)

(A little over an hour later, Ann enters her and Brian’s secret headquarters, wearing her Chandra costume. She finds Brian, now dressed as Quantum, sitting at a desk with Selan’s cell phone in hand)

Quantum: Hey Ann. Ask me how perfectly this plan is working out.

Chandra: How perfectly?

Quantum: Pretty damn perfectly! (He laughs, holding out the cell phone) Look at this. She’s got photos assigned to each person on her contact list—here’s two that should look familiar to you… “Xeno” (he holds up the phone to show a picture of Xeno) and “Selanio” (he pushes a few buttons and shows her a picture of Selanio).

Chandra: Omen and the Baron, I assume?

Quantum: Damn right. I’ve already called Baron von Boom—sorry, ”Selanio”, and told him we have her. I told him I’d call again with information as to where to meet us and everything… we’ve got to set something up so that everything will be in our favor.

Chandra: Where’s Ira?

Quantum: In the other room, I’ve got her in that cage. Told you we’d need it.

Chandra: Have you talked to her at all?

Quantum: Pfft, no. You know how much she annoys me.

Chandra: I’m going to go check on her.

Quantum: Okay.

(Chandra walks down a hall and into another room. Selan is sitting in a metal cage that isn’t tall enough for her to be able to stand up in, listening to her iPod. She takes her earbuds out upon seeing Chandra.)

Selan: Heeeeey. Does Quantum have my phone? I can’t find it.

Chandra: Yeah, he has it.

Selan: Can I have it back? I’m bored out of my mind here. I’ve got Tetris on that thing.

Chandra: I don’t think he’s going to give it to you.

Selan: You sure?

Chandra: I’m pretty positive, yeah.

Selan: Well, then you go tell Brian he’s a jerk. u_u

Chandra: … Um… say that again?

Selan (smiling): Tell Brian that he is a jerk.

Chandra: Ah… uh oh.

(Chandra runs back to the first room)

Chandra: Brian, you didn’t tell her your real name, did you?

Quantum: Of course not. Why the hell would I do that?

Chandra: Well, she knows it.

Quantum: What?!

Chandra: She knows your name.

(Quantum stands and stomps down the hall. He finds Selan sitting with a very smug smile on her face.)

Quantum: What the hell is going on here?

Selan: Selan doesn’t have any idea what you’re talking about.

Quantum: Don’t give me that bullshit! How’d you find out my name?!

Selan: Selan should ask the same question. Or—oh! I see. You’re those kids from the middle school, aren’t you? The ones that were passing notes. That’s not polite, you know.

Quantum (pulling his laser from his belt): Stop fucking around and answer my question.

Selan (shrugging): Well, you know, Omen’s been keeping an eye on you two with his powers and all, and the other day he just sort of stumbled upon your secret identities and where you live~!

Chandra (whispering to Quantum): This is bad.

Quantum (nodding at Chandra’s statement): How come you didn’t do anything about it before?

Selan: What, like attack you when you’re at home? Ahahaaa, Selan isn’t that crass, unlike someone I know. I’m sure the Baron would’ve wanted to, but we didn’t tell him… I’m sure Omen will be happy to share the information, though, once he knows you’ve got me.

Quantum: … shit! Shit! We’re fucked!

Chandra: Calm down, Brian, calm down…

Quantum: I will not calm down! We are so fucking fucked! They could go to Apogee and tell him where to find me, or—or— (he whispers to Ann) What if they tell my mom what I’ve been doing?!

Chandra: Your mom? Wouldn’t it be worse if they told my dad? You know, my dad the cop?

Quantum: We’re so fucked.

Selan: You know, there’s an easy solution to all this…

Chandra: Hm? What’s that?

Selan: Let me go before Omen and the Baron do anything rash, of course!

Quantum: But—

Chandra: You’re not seriously going to argue with her.

Quantum: … God. I hate this. This was so perfect.

Chandra: Well it’s not perfect now. Where’re the keys?

(Quantum reaches into his pocket and procures a key, which he dejectedly hands to Chandra. She unlocks the cage, and Selan crawls out. She stretches a bit, then holds her hand out to Quantum.)

Selan: Selan no denwa o kudasai?

(Brian assumes Selan is talking about her phone, which he hands to her. He opens his mouth to speak, but Selan’s phone chooses this moment to ring. She looks at it, sees that Xeno is calling, and answers it.)

Selan: Haaaaai, moshi moshi? … No, it’s cool, Selan took care of the situation. … you bet I did. … Aww, was the Baron worried? … (she laughs) I’m sure he did! Aww, well anyway, I’ll give you a call once I know where I am so you know where to pick me up, ‘kay? … ‘Kay. Hugs and love! Bye.

(She hangs up)

Selan: There we go, crisis averted. <3

Quantum: Whoopee. 9_9

Selan (looking at her phone): So you were using my phone, hmm? Ahh, so you must’ve figured out Omen and the Baron’s identities, huh?

Chandra: Yes, sorry.

Quantum: You don’t have to apologize for that.

Selan: So it looks like we’re gonna have to set down some ground rules, here.

Quantum: I guess so, yes.

Selan: Okay so basically… let’s just pretend like we don’t know anything, right? If we’re in public and in costume, we don’t call each other by each other’s real names and vice versa. We don’t attack each other’s alter egos, don’t attack each other at home, et cetera et cetera.

Quantum: Right…

Chandra: Sounds simple enough to me.

Selan: Okay! Remember, only losers blow each others’ covers, yeah?

Chandra: Right. n_n

Selan: Okay. Wanna show me out?

Chandra: I will. This way.

(Chandra leads Selan down a long corridor, which eventually leads to a ladder. They climb up the ladder, which leads to a manhole hidden in the middle of nowhere, behind some bushes.)

Selan (looking down at Chandra as she’s getting out of the manhole): So uh… when you’re in that skirt, you don’t let Quantum climb below you, do you?

Chandra: Hm? No. Why?

Selan: He could look up and see up your… no, never mind.

Chandra (giggling): Oh, don’t worry, he wouldn’t do that.

Selan: So where are we, anyway?

Chandra: The highway is just past those trees, there. We’re near exit 90, I think.

Selan: Okay, cool. (She dials Xeno’s number, but stops before pressing the call button) Hey, sorry I ruined your plan. It was a pretty decent plan, if not a little low. But, you know, I really don’t much like being used as bait to lead my friends to their doom.

Chandra: No, I understand completely, it’s okay.

Selan: Thanks. And now that we know each others’ secret identities, maybe we could hang out sometime! If Quantum won’t have an aneurysm, that is.

Chandra: I wouldn’t mind that. n_n

Selan: Cool! Okay. Calling Xeno now.

(Selan calls Xeno and tells him her location while Ann returns to the hideout. Ten minutes later Xeno picks Selan up and they head home.)

--End: Episode nine.

[EP008] I swear.

(The scene is Professor Marika’s office. The door is closed and locked, and Tavvy is sitting in a chair nervously. Pavel Marika sits with the back of his chair facing his nervous student.)

Tavvy: I… I can explain.

(Marika sits there, silent.)

Tavvy: Th-there were five of them, you know? And that Baron von Boom guy is a handful enough on his own, and then Omen was throwing shit at me and all of a sudden… boom! I mean, would you have seen that coming?

Marika: In an explosives warehouse? Yes.

Tavvy: The odds were against me! What would you have done?

Marika: Not let any of them leave? Not take so damn long to apprehend them? ANYTHING that was the opposite of what you did?

Tavvy (flinching): That’s harsh.

Marika: Perhaps.

(An uncomfortable silence falls over the room. Tavvy is desperate to change the subject.)

Tavvy: S-so… who’s the girl in these photos here?

Marika: My daughter.

Tavvy (noticing that Marika still sounds displeased): Oh, r-really? Does she have superpowers too?

Marika: …

Tavvy: R-right. Okay. Backing off now.

Marika: I think you need to take your duties more seriously, Tavarius.

Tavvy: I’m very serious about this thing!

Marika (turning around to face Tavvy): So how is it you haven’t arrested any of the villains in this town?

Tavvy: I’ve arrested hundreds of—

Marika: Of petty criminals. Bank robbers, muggers, burglars. Small game.

Tavvy: Well honestly, I think those people are probably more dangerous than the villains around here.

Marika: Perhaps. But the villains—Lady Ira and them, that Quantum kid—cause much more property damage and, to be honest, they reflect on you badly. Not to mention that if you let them get away without being caught, then more villains are going to spring up. They’ll get more daring the longer you let them persist.

Tavvy: I know, I know. I’m trying. It’s just… they’re slippery, you know? And honestly… they’re not like the villains we had in your day. They’re not traditional. I don’t know what the hell to expect from them… Lady Ira honestly tried to hold a conversation with me about my hair dye the other day, do you know that? They just… they throw me off. It’s not just dash in and fight—I can do that! It’s dash in, fight, and have weird fucking conversations where I don’t know what the hell is going on.

Marika: You’re just going to have to learn to deal with it.

Tavvy: That’s really helpful, Professor.

(The phone on Marika’s desk rings. He picks it up.)

Marika: Yes? … Yes. One moment. (he puts his hand over the receiver and looks at Tavvy) I have to take this. You may go. I’ve already left a new jetpack at your apartment—try not to break this one.

Tavvy: Jeez…

(Tavvy leaves, frowning to himself. He exits the building to find his friend Cathal waiting for him.)

Cathal: Damn, man, you look like someone just killed your puppy.

Tavvy: Ugh. That Marika really knows how to make me feel lousy.

Cathal: What is it you do for that guy, anyway?

Tavvy: He doesn’t really want me talking about it. He’s the secretive writer type, you know?

Cathal (nodding): I know the type. My boss is the same way. Is the pay good, at least?

Tavvy: Lousy.

Cathal: Why do you do it, then?

(Tavvy shrugs)

Tavvy: I don’t know. I kind of like doing it, most of the time. It’s fun when Marika isn’t chewing me out.

Cathal: Ahh, I’m jealous. My job pays well, but most of the work’s shit. Especially now, with the new management.

Tavvy: New boss screwing everything up?

Cathal: Seriously.

Tavvy: That sucks…

(Tavvy looks around and sees Selan walking by. He waves.)

Tavvy: Hey! (He pauses briefly, trying to remember her name) … Selan!

Cathal: Oh? Tavvy calling out to a girl…?

Tavvy: Shut up.

(Selan walks over)

Selan: It’s green-hair man! How is green-hair man doing?

Cathal (grinning, amused): His name’s Tavvy.

Selan: Tavvy! Yeah! Selan totally knew that! Toooootally.

Tavvy: Ah… thanks for helping me out the other day.

Selan: No problem!

Tavvy: Are you doing okay? You look a little tired.

Selan: Ahh, Selan had an exhausting day yesterday and is all tired now. You know how it is.

Tavvy: Aw man, me too. Work was crazy.

Selan: Buu for crazy work days!

Cathal: Booooo.

Tavvy: Booooo.

Selan: Well anyway, I gotta go meet my homie, so I’ll see you later, ‘kay?

Tavvy: Okay. Bye.

(Selan waves and skips off)

Cathal: Hmm. Not bad, if you don’t mind the lack of boobs. I approve.

Tavvy: What?

Cathal: Oh, come on. You’re not entertaining the idea of asking her out?

Tavvy: Of course not. I barely know her.

Cathal: Heh. Sure.

Tavvy: Not everyone’s always out for a piece of ass like you are.

Cathal: Maybe you should be. You’re wasting your college experience, staying in and working for that professor all day and night. Go out and live a little!

Tavvy: I’m living plenty! So much so, in fact, that I dare not imagine trying to fit a girlfriend into my schedule.

Cathal: Ah, Tavvy the hermit. A lost cause.

Tavvy: I swear I’m not a hermit.

Cathal: I swear I don’t believe you. (His phone beeps, and he gets it out and reads a text message) Damn, duty calls. I’ll talk to you later, hermit.

Tavvy: Good riddance. =<

Cathal: Hey, don’t be that way! (He starts to walk off) Bye!

Tavvy: Right, bye…

(Tavvy starts walking in another direction, toward his car)

Tavvy: I wonder if my new jetpack’ll be like, super fast? … (he shakes his head) No, with my luck it’ll probably be some crappy old one he had lying around… sigh…

--End: Episode eight

[EP007] Should I just...

(The scene is an unmarked government building, surely home to all sorts of secret technologies. Lady Ira and her cohorts are standing outside, ready for their next attack.)

Lady Ira: Aw man, this is gonna be sweet. I bet there’s like a UFO or something in there.

Omen: I doubt that. I’m sure they keep those sorts of things in more remote locations.

Lady Ira: No, man, they just want you to THINK that so you don’t go looking for UFOs here!

Omen: Well, I guess we’ll see…

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom will be happy enough just with secret super-explosives.

Omen: Guys, I think this is just some sort of military storage place. Probably lots of explosives, but I doubt there’s much secret stuff.

Baron von Boom: Grenades?

Omen: Probably.

Baron von Boom: Meh, that’ll do.

Lady Ira: Okay, let’s do this thing!

Baron von Boom: Right!

(The Baron charges up some energy into his hand, and brings his fist into the wall—the energy releases upon impact, causing an explosion that takes out the whole wall)

Omen (as they’re entering, noticing the alarms): Guys, won’t they send, like, armed guards at us?

Baron von Boom: Nah, they always end up waiting for Apogee to come save them. The authorities in this city are pathetic.

Lady Ira: Yeah, and you yourself said that Quantum would be raiding some place today, so Apogee should be busy. Once again we are home free! Ooh look—what’re those?

Baron von Boom: Rocket launchers! Fuck yes!

(The three start picking up whatever implement of destruction catches their eyes, until, to their surprise, Apogee’s familiar voice calls out…)

Apogee: A little daring today, aren’t we?

Lady Ira (Looking at Apogee, then at Omen): Wait… wait. Omen, you said he’d be busy.

Omen: I thought he would be!

Baron von Boom: Maybe he finished early?

Lady Ira: Nah, Quantum usually takes Apogee more time than that to get rid of… Hey! Apogee! Quick question!

Apogee: What?

Lady Ira: Have you heard anything about, like, Quantum raiding any places today?

Apogee: No, why?

Lady Ira: Damn! Omen, you were wrong!

Omen: I’m never wrong! Maybe Apogee just hasn’t heard about it yet, or maybe—

(Just then, Quantum and Chandra bust in from the ceiling—obviously not having noticed the gaping hole in the wall on the other side of the building. Quantum looks down and seems a bit irritated to find that he’s already been beaten there.)

Quantum: Oh, goddammit.

Lady Ira: Hey, there he is!

Baron von Boom (to Omen): What the hell?

Omen: Oops… I didn’t realize he’d be raiding this place.

Baron von Boom: Good going. 9_9

Lady Ira: Quantum! You’re like ten minutes late!

Quantum: What the hell are you talking about?

Chandra: We got delayed.

Omen: Jeez…

Apogee: … Okay, I’m just a little confused.

Chandra: So am I, actually…

Lady Ira: Dammit, you gotta be on time! Else Apogee comes after us and… (She realizes she wasn’t supposed to have said that … and…

Quantum: You—you’ve been using us as a distraction?!

Lady Ira: Well, um… not as such…

Quantum: You bastards! (He gets out his laser and starts firing) All this time, I’ve been getting my ass kicked and you’ve been getting away scot-free?!

(Lady Ira covers herself and her comrades with a barrier)

Baron von Boom: Well, maybe if you didn’t suck so much you wouldn’t get your ass kicked all the time!

(Quantum growls and pulls a familiar taser-like item from his belt. Ira’s eyes widen)

Lady Ira: Shit! I know that thing!

(Quantum fires the taser dart and Ira drops her barrier, jumping out of the way. Baron von Boom starts throwing energy bolts and Omen uses his telekinesis to levitate and throw various objects at Quantum. Meanwhile, Chandra and Apogee stand at the sidelines.)

Apogee: Um… I thought I was supposed to, er…

Chandra: Sigh…

Apogee: Should I just, you know… leave?

Chandra (shrugging): If you’d like.

Apogee: Nah, I can’t… (under his breath, to himself) The Professor would have my head…

Chandra: Oh well. (She calls out to Quantum) Be careful around all the explosives, Quantum!

Quantum: I know, I know! (He tries shooting the Baron with his laser, but Baron dodges) Dammit, stay still!

Baron von Boom: Do you really think I’ll stay still just because you said to?!

Quantum: It’d make things a lot easier for me… (He groans) Stop running around in front of the gunpowder, fucktard! I don’t want to blow myself up too!

(The Baron sticks his tongue out at Quantum and shoots more energy bolts)

Lady Ira: You be careful too, Baron! This whole place could go up if you do something wrong!

Apogee: Maybe you guys shouldn’t be fighting here at all. I mean, I was just gonna use my fists, you can’t set off explosives with that…

Omen (throwing more stuff at Quantum): No one asked you!

Apogee (rolling his eyes): Fine then. No skin off my back if this place explodes, I’ve got the whole invulnerability thing going…

Lady Ira (shielding the Baron from laser fire): Showoff! You’ve only got limited invulnerability and you know it!

Apogee: It’s good enough!

Chandra: You know, I’ve been wondering. Where did you get your powers, anyway?

Apogee: Y-you’re serious? I don’t really tell those sorts of things to villains…

Chandra: Is it personal?

Apogee: Yes, it’s personal!

Chandra: Oh, sorry.

Apogee: This is ridiculous. Okay, I’m stepping in.

(Apogee walks in between the dueling villains and, shielding his face from the various lasers and energy bolts and such that are hitting him, makes his way over to Quantum. Quantum tries to attack, but is hit by a chair thrown by Omen. While he’s distracted, Apogee snatches the laser out of Quantum’s hand and snaps it in half. Quantum reaches for his belt, but before he can get out another weapon Apogee grabs him and throws him across the room, at Baron von Boom. Baron catches the young mad scientist and proceeds to toss him over his shoulder, as though he were a used gum wrapper. Quantum crashes into a shelf full of ammunition, which falls over on top of him. Apogee and Baron von Boom, meanwhile, have begun fist-fighting.)

Chandra (helping Quantum up): Maybe we should get out of here. We obviously aren’t going to get anything here.

Quantum: But…

Chandra: We’re outnumbered. Between them and Apogee, it’s four of them against the two of us. And I’m barely armed so I don’t think you can even count me.

Quantum: … you’re right. (He sighs, rubbing his head) But fuck, I can’t believe they’ve been using us. I just wanna… ugh!

Chandra: We’ll get them later. Don’t lose your head.

Quantum (frowning): … Come on.

(He takes Chandra by the hand and activates his rockets. The two of them fly up and out the hole in the ceiling, until they’re high above the building. Quantum stops, however, and the two hover above…)

Lady Ira (Looking up): Hey, the little kid left!

Omen (Also looking up): No wait, he’s stopped. What’s he…

(Just then, something falls to the ground. It makes a beeping noise.)

Baron von Boom: Oh, shit—!!

(The object explodes, setting off a chain reaction. Within milliseconds the entire building is nothing more than a plume of flame and smoke rising into the sky. Quantum and Chandra look down on the inferno, frowns on their faces.)

Chandra: I really doubt that took any of them out.

Quantum: I know.

Chandra: We should go.

(Quantum nods, and they fly off. Down in the crater that was once a government building, Apogee stands, coughing in the smoke, his clothes tattered and his jetpack destroyed.)

Apogee: Ugh… crazy little…

(He looks around, and sees Lady Ira and her group all standing under a barrier. Lady Ira finally drops the barrier, the danger gone, and nearly collapses, falling into the Baron’s arms.)

Lady Ira: Buuuu… bad explosion, mean explosion…

Omen: I think she’s spent.

Baron von Boom (looking up at Apogee before looking back at Omen): The hero’s still standing.

Lady Ira (a little out of it): Beat him up~

Baron von Boom: You don’t have to tell me twice! (He shoves Ira into Omen’s arms and stomps off toward Apogee)

Omen: You sure you’re okay to keep fighting, Ira?

Lady Ira: Ira is fine! Ira is completely okay~ (She steps away from Omen, wobbling a bit)

(Baron von Boom flies past them, having been thrown by Apogee. Ira looks over to see if the Baron is okay, but gets pelted by Apogee’s heat vision, knocking her back a distance.)

Omen: … damn.

(Omen runs over, dodging more blasts from the hero’s laser eyes, and picks Ira up)

Lady Ira: I’m okaaaayyy…

Omen: Baron, are you alright?

Baron von Boom (standing up with a bloody nose): Da, completely fine.

Omen: Why do you guys always say you’re fine when you’re obviously not?!

Lady Ira: Toooootally fiiiine~

Omen (looking over at Apogee): Hey! Apogee! How about we call this one a draw and go home, eh?

Apogee: I’d rather not! I’m going to be in deep trouble for ruining this jetpack and losing the building, you know, and I’d like to have at least one arrest to show for it!

Omen: Jeez…

Baron von Boom (wiping the blood from his nose): I can take him, come on.

Omen: Goddamn, man, he really did a number on your face, huh?

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom will be fine by tomorrow.

Omen: I really think we should get the hell out of here.

(Apogee starts shooting his heat vision again. The villains jump out of the way, and Baron von Boom responds with energy bolts. Omen shakes Ira)

Omen: Ira, you still conscious?

Lady Ira: Buuu…

Omen: There’s no point in staying here. There’s nothing left to steal and we’re in bad shape. Give the Baron a retreat order, okay?

Lady Ira: Ira could use a nap… okay. Retreeeeaaat~

Baron von Boom: Ah, damn.

Omen (looking in Ira’s sleeve): Where do you keep those smoke bombs…?

(Ira rummages through her sleeves and hands Omen a smoke bomb. He throws it at the ground and the area is enveloped in smoke.)

Apogee: Damn! (He starts shooting eye beams into the smoke, but doesn’t seem to hit anything. When the smoke clears, everyone is gone.) … the Professor is gonna kill me!

(Apogee’s watch starts to beep. He looks at it and, seeing that it’s Marika trying to contact him, he drops it and crushes it under his heel.)

Apogee: The explosion destroyed it. Yeah.

End: Episode seven.

[EP006] Where do you think...

(Selan is laying, stomach-down, on the short couch in the house as Xeno sits on the other couch, watching TV.)

Selan: Fuuu….

Xeno: There’s nothing on.

Selan: Let’s do something.

Xeno: Like what?

Selan: Like… like attack the city with dinosaurs.

Xeno: Let’s do it.

Selan: Really?

Xeno: No.

Selan: Aww.

(Xeno flips the channel again.)

Selan: Why not?

Xeno: Do we have any dinosaurs?

Selan: Maybe in the garage?

Xeno: Why would there be dinosaurs in the garage?

Selan: I’unno. Everything ends up in the garage. I know I used to have a cape, but it got into the garage…

Xeno: Maybe that’s for the best…

Selan: Hm?

Xeno: No, nevermind.

Selan: Where do you think they sell dinosaurs?

Xeno: They don’t.

Selan: Maybe Wal-mart. I know they sell dinosaur pasta there.

Xeno: Dinosaur pasta does not equal dinosaur.

Selan (calling out): Selanio! Where do they sell dinosaurs?!

Selanio (poking his head out of his room): Dinosaurs?

Selan: You know, like ROAARR, step on houses, wreck up island theme parks.

Selanio: Selanio is pretty sure those are extinct.

Xeno: THANK you.

Selan: I bet we could clone one. We'll make a dinosaur out of SCIENCE.

Xeno: How would we go about doing that?

Selan: I dunno. Selanio knows… chemicals. And things.

Selanio: Selanio knows bombs and his chemistry homework. As amazing as we all know I am, I don’t think dinosaurs are happening.

Selan (pouting): I bet Quantum could make a dinosaur.

Selanio (rolling his eyes): So go ask him for one.

Selan: Selan doesn’t want to get electrocuted again =<

Xeno: Then that’s the end of that.

Selan: I guess…

(Selanio returns to his room. Xeno continues to flip around.)

Selan: … it’s just that, you know, we’d have the element of surprise. Apogee wouldn’t be able to do anything, he’d be too busy sitting there wondering, “A dinosaur? Where the crap did they get that?!” And then of course we’d be riding the dinosaur, which is like every kid’s dream so don’t tell me that isn’t cool.

Xeno: Selan, are you high?

Selan: I’m really not.

Selanio (walking back out): I bet she binged on sugar or something. You know how loopy she gets when her blood sugar gets weird.

Xeno (glaring at Selan): Please tell me you haven’t gotten into any pixie stix.

Selan: Selan has eaten only healthy things today, thank you! I’m completely in my right mind.

Xeno: Are you sure?

Selan (ignoring him): Does Wal-mart sell dinosaur costumes?

Selanio: It’s not October, so Selanio doubts it.

Selan: Aw, buu.

Xeno: Seriously, what is with this dinosaur thing all of a sudden?

Selan: I just thought it’d be cool, is all.

Selanio: Dinosaurs would be badass. They would also be impossible.

Selan: Selan thinks on Halloween we should attack the city dressed as dinosaurs.

Selanio: I’m in.

Xeno: I’m not.

Selanio: You’re so lame, Xeno.

Selan: Seriously! Why don’t you wanna dress up?

Xeno: It’d be stupid.

Selan: It’d be amazing!

Selanio: Just imagine the news reports.

Selan (laughing): Aww man, I hadn’t even thought of that!

Xeno: That’s even worse! That shit’d end up on Youtube, and then everyone’s going to remember us as the villains who dressed up as dinosaurs that one time.

Selan: How is this a bad thing?

Selanio: Just order him to do it or something. I mean, he’s always all like “blah blah Selan’s the leader, blah blah do what she says”, so if you tell him to do it he’s got to, right?

Selan: Selan orders you to dress up like a dinosaur, Xeno!

Xeno: Isn’t this an abuse of your power?

Selan: Selan is a villain. Abusing power is what villains do.

Selanio (nodding): Absolutely right!

Xeno (groaning): This has got to be the stupidest conversation we have ever had.

Selan: Selan can think of a couple stupider ones.

Selanio (snickering): Like the time you wanted to go after Batman?

Selan: That wasn’t—He’s the goddamn Batman! Killing him would send a message, okay?!

Xeno: He isn’t real.

Selan: That’s a liiiieee.

Xeno (looking at his watch): Well, you two can keep talking about dinosaurs and Batman or whatever, I have to get to work.

Selan: Ask Dougal if he knows where to get some dinosaurs and-or dinosaur costumes!

Xeno (going out the door): Not doing it!

(Xeno leaves. Walking out the door, he sighs and shakes his head.)

--End: Episode six

[ART] Bio pictures, part one

It's a weekend, so I think it's about time for a picture post!
Here are some character bios! More will be posted later.

[EP005] No worries.

(It’s the middle of the day and Lady Ira and her buddies are once again locked in an epic battle with Apogee.)

Baron von Boom: Hah! We’ve got you now, Apogee—there’s no beating us!

Lady Ira (seeming a bit distracted): Yeah, it’d be totally cool if you just gave up right about now.

Apogee: What’re you guys talking about? I’ve got you on the ropes.

Omen (quietly, to his teammates): He really does.

Lady Ira: Yeah, but I’m-- (She looks at her watch) Shit! I’m gonna be late!

Omen: Late for what?

Lady Ira (trying not to let Apogee hear): Class, what else?! Ohh, hell…

Baron von Boom: Just skip it.

Lady Ira: Do you think I’m nuts?! If I skip any more, Marika’s gonna fail me for sure!

Omen: Don’t worry about it, just go to class. We can take things from here.

Lady Ira: Aww, thanks Omen! (She gives him a hug, then looks over to Apogee) Apogee! I gotta get going now, but my buddies are gonna stick around and give you a good thrashing, okay?

Apogee: You can’t just leave in the middle of a fight!

Lady Ira: I know, it sucks! Bye now! (She starts to run off) Omen, you’re in charge of the Baron while I’m gone~

Baron von Boom: What?!

Omen (grinning): You heard her.

(Ira runs to a hiding place, changes her clothes, and makes it to class five minutes late. Despite feeling awkward for walking in late, the class goes well. An hour later she’s out, and toying with her cell phone as she walks down the sidewalk.)

Selan: Jeez, Selanio, why is your phone never on… Where did I put Xeno’s number…?

(While completely not paying attention, she walks right into a short green-haired boy, causing him to drop the mass of canvases he was carrying)

Selan: Eep! Aw man, I’m sorry!

Tavvy (picking up some canvases): No, it’s okay…

Selan: Here, let me help. (she picks up a few canvases) Man, why’re you carrying so many of these? They must all weigh a ton!

Tavvy: Ahaha… yeah… I’m kind of in a hurry, though, I don’t have any time to make trips…

Selan: Well, you’re gonna hurt yourself like that. Here, I’ll help you carry these. Where’re we taking them?

Tavvy: My car, over there. (he nudges his head in a direction, since his hands are full) You don’t have to, though, I’m fine…

Selan: Hey, no worries, I haven’t got anything better to do.

Tavvy: Okay… thanks, I guess.

Selan (walking with Tavvy): So what’re all these for, anyway?

Tavvy: I kinda got stuck with having to take everyone’s pictures down to the gallery…

Selan: What, no one wanted to help?

Tavvy: Art students are notoriously flaky.

Selan: Ain’t that the truth. I had four years of that crap in high school.

Tavvy: Oh God, high school art students? I dare not imagine…

Selan: There’s a reason why I’m majoring in English and not art, ahaha.

(They get to Tavvy’s car, and he puts his canvases down and opens the back hatch. He and Selan both put the canvases in the back of the car)

Selan: So which ones are yours?

Tavvy (pulling out some canvases): This one… and this.

Selan: Looks like the best stuff in this pile… how come there’s only two?

Tavvy (shrugging): Gallery politics.

Selan: Damn.

Tavvy: … You know, you look familiar.

Selan: Do I? Huh, you do too… Have we met before?

Tavvy: I don’t know…

Selan: Do we have any classes together?

Tavvy: I don’t think so… ah! I got it. You were in Professor Marika’s office that one time when I walked in.

Selan: Oh yeah, that was you. Selan remembers now because your hair is kind of hard to forget.

Tavvy: Heh, yeah… well, thanks for the help. I have to get going, before the gallery director leaves…

Selan: Okay. Nice seeing you again!

(Tavvy closes the back hatch and gets into the driver’s seat of his car, giving Selan a wave before closing the door. As he drives away, Selan wrings her hands together, grinning)

Selan: Art student with connections to a gallery director? Selan senses an opportunity, here…

(Selan’s phone rings. She looks at it and sees that Xeno is calling her)

Selan: Finally! (She answers the phone) Allo! Is Selan getting picked up today or does she have to ride the smelly bus? … What do you mean, you have a headache? … Oh? … Ah. Well, we’ll have to beat him up extra bad next time. So no picking Selan up? … Selanio? But he’s… eeegh. I’ll ride the bus. … Why? Because he’s a fucking nutcase behind the wheel, that’s why!

(Selan starts walking toward the bus stop, talking to Xeno all the while.)

--End: Episode five.



Selanio: Tell her I’m going to crash the passenger side of the car into a wall. u_u

Xeno (on the phone): He says he promises to drive safe. … No, I’m not lying!

[EP004] Missing something.

(The scene is Xeno’s workplace, a small occult goods shop. Xeno is working the register as a group of teenagers in dark clothes leave, all chattering amongst themselves about the last fight between good and evil they saw on the news.)

Xeno: You know, it seems like the only people who actually like villains these days are those annoying spooky kids.

Dougal (stocking shelves a little bit away): What’s there to like about villains?

Xeno: I don’t know. They’re a lot more interesting than heroes? I mean, when I was a kid it was cool to have a favorite villain.

Gale (at the other register): When we were kids, we had cool villains. But Professor Pain locked up most of them before he disappeared, and anyone left over went and retired. Now we’ve just got lame ones.

Xeno: Hey, they’re not all lame!

Dougal (walking over, carrying an empty box): Who’s your favorite, Xeno?

Xeno: Ah—Omen, of course.

Gale: Omen’s lame.

Xeno: He is not!

Dougal: He’s okay. Seems like he’s missing something, though.

Xeno: Missing something? Like what?

Gale: Like an evil laugh.

Xeno: A what?

Gale: You know, like, “Bwa ha ha ha ha!” or something. I don’t know. That Baron von Boom loser seems to have a decent one. Any villain worth anything has a good evil laugh.

Dougal: I don’t think I’ve heard Omen laugh even once.

Gale: Yeah. It’s like he doesn’t even enjoy being evil. What the hell is the point in that?

Xeno: There’s a lot more to being evil than just laughing, I’m sure.

Gale: Yeah, but there’s no way any villain can get taken seriously unless he has a good laugh. That’s a rule! (He looks at Dougal) Am I right?

Dougal: Maybe.

Xeno: Jeez…

(Later that day, Xeno trudges into the apartment after a long day of work)

Xeno: I’m home.

Selan (doing her Japanese homework): Iie! You’re supposed to say “Tadaima”!

Xeno (bewildered, but playing along): Tadaima.

Selan: Okairinasai~!

Xeno: …. Riiiight. (He walks over to the couch, where Selan is working) Hey, Selan.

Selan: Hai?

Xeno: Do I have a good evil laugh?

Selan: I don’t know, do you?

Xeno: Have I ever done an evil laugh?

Selan: Not that I’m aware of.

Xeno: Do you think I need to?

Selan: Selan thinks you’ve been doing fine without one.

(Selanio walks out of his room)

Selanio: Wait, what’s this? Selan’s saying that Xeno doesn’t need an evil laugh?

Selan: He’s cool without one!

Selanio: Hah! Right. And moose fly!

Selan: Sure they can!

Selanio: Only on Christmas, and that doesn’t count.

Selan: Oh…

Xeno: What the hell are you two going on about?

Selanio: That’s not important! What’s important is that you need an evil laugh!

Selan: Here, Xeno, just laugh.

Xeno: Ahaha?

Selanio: Nyet! Wrong!

Selan: Here, more like this: (She takes a breath) Eheheh… heh… Ahahahaha!!

Selanio: Also wrong!

Selan: What’s wrong with Selan’s laugh?

Selanio: Everything. Here, mortals, listen and learn the glory of Baron von Boom’s evil laugh!

(Selanio belts out a loud, long evil laugh.)

Selan: … Selan has been outclassed TToTT

Xeno: I’m not laughing like that!

Selanio: Why not?

Xeno: Because I’ll sound like some kind of nutcase!

Selanio: This is the point.

Selan: Aww, come on, Xeno. Just try it.

Xeno (sighing and rolling his eyes): Okay… (He clears his throat) Bwahahahahaha!

Selanio: No. Terrible.

Selan: I dunno, I thought that wasn’t bad.

Selanio: Your opinion doesn’t count. You have a lousy laugh too.

Selan: You jerk =<

Selanio: Here, you must imagine that you’re doing something incredibly evil.

Xeno: Like what?

Selanio: Like… burning down an orphanage. Or kidnapping the president.

Selan: Selan doesn’t think she’d be laughing if she did those things.

Selanio: That’s because you aren’t evil.

Selan: I am so!

Selanio: You are not. Selanio decrees this.

Xeno: Actually, kidnapping the president could be pretty funny…

Selanio: There! Now imagine all the hilarious shit you could pull with a kidnapped president and laugh!

Xeno: Okay… okay… hilarious president antics… Heheh… Heheheh… Hahahahaha!

Selanio: … No. Something isn’t right.

Selan: Xeno isn’t the crazy laughing type! Selan thinks he’d be better off with a subtle chuckle.

Selanio: But those are no fun!

Selan: They’re no fun for you because you are the crazy laughing type. Here, Xeno, just try a chuckle.

Xeno: Er… (he chuckles)

Selan: I think that’s the best one so far.

Selanio: That’s so boring!

Selan: I think it suits him!

Xeno: Yeah, I think everything else just kinda feels weird.

Selan: Selan thinks she’s just going to stick with an evil giggle. Selanio’s right, my laugh sucks. But I’m a girl so I can giggle. Eheehee.

Selanio: You all suck. Next time I’m leader, I’m ordering you all to laugh properly.

Xeno: Oh, not this again… I thought you were done with all this “I should be leader” bullshit after you nearly got Selan killed.

Selan: Selan was fine! I swear.

Selanio: Selanio SHOULD be leader! I just need to study how to be a good leader a little. u_u You’ll see. Someday Selanio will be the leader and it will be AWESOME.

Selan (deciding to derail this argument): Maybe when we make that website, we should have sound clips of our evil laughs.

Selanio: Only of mine. Your laughs both suck.

Xeno: Your laugh is way too over-the-top.

Selan: It’s good but ours are good too!

Selanio: Yeah, right…

Selan: Look, look, look… Selan has a way to end this argument.

Xeno: Yeah?

Selan: Yes. Let’s go terrorize civilians and see whose laugh scares people the most >3

Selanio: Oh, I’ll win that, easy!

Xeno: Yeah, right. They might run away because you’re too loud…

(They all start going to their rooms to change, still arguing across the house)

Selan: I’ll win! There’s nothing scarier than a cute girl giggling while trying to kill you!

Selanio: Hah! Selan is DREAMING!

(And so on and so forth, the argument continuing as they make their way into the city to cause some more mayhem…)

--End: Episode four.


Selan: Apogee, before we start fighting… honest opinion: Which of us has the best evil laugh?

Apogee: What?

[EP003] Just like that.

(It’s nighttime as our villains enter their home. Lady Ira takes off her overshirt, sighing harshly as she tosses it onto the couch.)

Baron von Boom: Well, that was a miserable failure.

Lady Ira: It wasn’t so bad. We still managed to steal those ancient artifacts that Xeno wanted, before Apogee drove us out.

Omen (holding some very rare-looking stone objects): Yeah. I’m happy.

Baron von Boom: What about the things that Selanio wants?!

Lady Ira (wandering into her bedroom and talking through the door): What was it you wanted again?

Baron von Boom: All those fancy swords would’ve been nice! And some of the cursed stuff?

Omen: You know, I really think it’s best that we didn’t steal anything that’s cursed.

Baron von Boom: Don’t tell me you actually believe in that stuff.

Omen: Of course I do.

Selan (wandering back in, having changed her clothes): Remember, Xeno’s all mystical and magical. He knows about curses and things.

Baron von Boom: Feh, whatever.

Omen (wandering off to his own room): I think it was a pretty successful robbery, really! I should be able to use this stuff to boost my psychic powers, maybe… should definitely come in handy. (There’s a pause, and Xeno comes in wearing his civilian clothes) Some more gold or other things would’ve been nice, but this is the stuff we came for, if you’ll remember.

Selan: Yeah! Another successful robbery, under the watchful eye of Lady Ira!

Selanio (pulling off his bowtie): No, not a successful robbery! It would’ve been a success if we had fought off Apogee and gotten to take more stuff! If you hadn’t--

Selan (interrupting): If Selan is not mistaken, is Selanio not supposed to be the team’s muscle?

Selanio: Hey! I’m not--

Xeno: I’m pretty sure, yeah.

Selan: And did muscleman Selanio not directly disobey several of my orders—orders which could have defeated Apogee if only they had been heeded?

Xeno: This is true.

Selan: So really, Selanio shouldn’t be complaining about my leadership—he should be complaining about his inability to follow any of my orders.

Xeno: Sounds about right to me.

Selanio: Hey! Selanio only disobeyed your orders when you gave me stupid orders!

Selan: Oh, and the things you did were any better?

Selanio: Yes!

Selan: Say that to me without a swollen cheek—oh wait, you can’t, because Apogee walloped you to next week!

(Selanio grabs Selan by the collar of her shirt)

Xeno: Selanio, what the hell are you doing?

Selanio (to Selan): How long have we been at this world-domination game?

Selan: Two years…

Selanio: Doesn’t seem like we’ve gotten very far under your leadership.

Selan (her eyes tearing up): What are you saying?

Selanio (throwing Selanio to the ground): I’m saying you’re a lousy leader!

Selan (on the floor, sniffling): =< Nye pravda…

Selanio: Pravda!

Xeno (kneeling next to Selan): Don’t listen to him, Selan. Selanio’s just miffed he didn’t get any new toys.

Selan (wiping her eyes and collecting herself): Selanio is stupid. u_u You think you can do better?

Selanio: I do!

Selan: Hmph. Selanio doesn’t know what it takes to be a leader!

Selanio: At least I know how to be evil, which is a lot more than I can say for you!

Selan: Selan is plenty evil!

Selanio: Hah! Yeah right! Look, when a true villain sees a cute animal, he doesn’t pet it and go “aww, lookit the little hamster-face!”. You know what he does?

Selan: Hm?

Selanio: He steps on it!

Selan: Oh, then you must not be very evil then.

Selanio: What?

Selan: We all know what you do when you see a cute animal. (She imitates Selanio’s accent) “Aaagh! Evil demon squirrel! It’s out for my GUTS! Save me Selan!”

Selanio: I do not!

Selan: Oh? (She looks upward) Computer! Code blue!

(A blue light flashes, and a ceiling tile opens and drops a squirrel in front of Selanio)

Selan: There you go, Selanio. u_u Step on it.

Selanio (staring at the squirrel in abject horror): Wh-what is this?!

Selan: This, (She motions at the squirrel) is my anti-Selanio defense system. Clever, no? Now go on, then. Step on the little guy.

Selanio (biting his lip): I totally will. You just watch. (He lifts his foot, and holds it over the squirrel. He starts to bring it down, but the squirrel moves suddenly, causing Selanio to jump back in terror and fall onto his ass)

(The other two laugh)

Selan: Real evil, Baron.

(Selanio growls, clenching his fists. Selan smiles and holds a hand out to Selanio to help him up)

Selan: Tell you what, hon. I’ll let you be leader, just for tomorrow. Will that make you feel better?

Selanio (grinning and getting up without taking Selan’s hand): Of course. After all, once you guys have served under Selanio, you’ll want me to be leader permanently!

Selan (giggling): I’m sure. Anyway, Selan’s got some homework to do, and then sleep will happen. Oyasumi~

Xeno (groaning): I dread tomorrow. Good night, Selan.

(Selan giggles again and goes to her room, shutting the door.)

Xeno: I only see this ending in ruin.

Selanio: You’re just jealous because you won’t get to be leader. (He sticks his tongue out)

Xeno: I’m not sure if you’ve realized, but I never wanted to be leader, Selanio.

Selanio: Suuure. (He grins) Well, Selanio is heading off to bed! Must be well-rested to be a leader, you know! Poka~

Xeno (sitting on the couch and grabbing the remote): Right, “pakuh”, whatever. 9_9

(It’s the next day, around two PM. Selan and Selanio are both done with class for the day, and Xeno doesn’t have any work today so the three are assembled in the living room, in villain costume, ready to enact their plan for the day)

Baron von Boom: The first order of business under Baron von Boom’s iron rule is this—our group will have a name!

Lady Ira: Selan could never come up with a decent name for us…

Baron von Boom: Da. And so I hereby declare our group the “Baron von Boom kicks the marmot’s ass army”!

Omen: No.

Baron von Boom: What?

Omen: Just no. That’s stupid.

Lady Ira: Why a marmot? What did the marmot ever do to you?

Baron von Boom: It’s a marmot. That’s crime enough. Okay! Second order of business! Omen, you know where that Quantum punk is attacking today, right?

Omen (not liking the sound of this): Yes…

Baron von Boom: Sweet! Alright guys, we’re taking that kid out.

Lady Ira: Whaaaaat? Why?

Baron von Boom: Because he’s out for our blood.

Lady Ira: But he’s been really useful as a distraction for Apogee! Also that Chandra girl is really nice.

Baron von Boom: But it’s not safe to let him run around unchecked. Useful or not, he’s dangerous, da?

Lady Ira: Well, yeah, but so far he’s—

Baron von Boom: No objections! Baron von Boom is the leader, so all will do as I say! u_u

Lady Ira: Well, okay, if you’re sure…

Omen: I can’t say I’m happy to take part in this, but whatever…

(The three leave to enact their evil plan! Omen reveals that Quantum will be raiding a nearby laboratory, and so the three sneak in and wait, until…)

(Quantum enters! Blasting his way through the walls, he enters the mechanical storage room where our villains lie in wait. He looks momentarily surprised to see them there, but then grins.)

Quantum: So finally you guys face me.

Baron von Boom: Hell yeah! We’re taking you down, tinyman!

Quantum: Hah! As if you could! I’m significantly better prepared than I was last time. Go on. Try and take me on.

Lady Ira: Heeey, where’s Chandra?

Quantum: She couldn’t make it.

Lady Ira: Why?

Quantum: She was busy, okay? Jeez…

Baron von Boom: Stop the chitchat, Ira! Attack him!

Lady Ira: But… We’re in a closed space and I’m more of a long-range fighter, Omen would be better—

Baron von Boom: Do not disobey your leader! Go!

Lady Ira (rolling her eyes): Okay…

(Lady Ira throws some kunai at Quantum, who shoots them out of the air with his laser gun.)

Lady Ira (running closer and trying to swipe at Quantum with a kunai): Hey, sorry about this. The Baron’s leader for the day and he’s kinda… you know.

Quantum (dodging her attack): What, do you think that’ll make me go easier on you or something?

Lady Ira: Well, no, but…

Quantum (grinning): Hey, let me show you my new invention.

Lady Ira: Ooh, what’s it do?

Quantum: Here, put up a barrier.

Lady Ira (holding out her arms and encasing herself in a barrier): Like this?

Quantum: Just like that. (He pulls something from his belt, and fires it at her—it’s like a taser gun, except that the electric dart sticks to her barrier instead of Lady Ira herself. It sends out an electric shock, which shoots straight through her barrier and hits Ira. Her barrier breaks. Lady Ira crumples to the ground.)

Baron von Boom: What the hell just happened? I thought nothing could get through her barriers!

Omen: Obviously something can!

Baron von Boom (calling out): Ira! Get off your ass!

(Quantum, by now, has his laser pointed at the motionless Ira.)

Omen: Shit. (He holds out his hands, and his eyes and hands glow green. Quantum stops moving.)

Quantum: H-hey! What the hell?!

Omen: Grab Ira and get out of here, Baron!

Baron von Boom: Hey, Baron didn’t know you could use your telekinesis on people.

Omen (looking strained): I’m not supposed to! Now go, before I pass out too!

Baron von Boom (looking a little miffed that he’s taking orders from Omen): Fine, okay!

(Baron von Boom runs over and picks Lady Ira up, slinging her over his shoulder. He runs back to Omen.)

Baron von Boom: Can’t we just—

Omen: No! Get the hell out of here!

Baron von Boom: Damn…

(He knocks out a wall with an energy bolt, and runs outside. Omen throws Quantum into a shelf and follows Baron outside. They continue running until they’ve found a parking garage to hide in, and they lay Ira down on the concrete)

Omen: Is she okay?

Baron von Boom: I bet she’s faking it, just to ruin my day.

(Omen smacks Baron in the back of the head)

Baron von Boom: Ow! Hey, that’s no way to treat your leader!

Omen: Some leader you turned out to be! We go get in a fight with a little kid and get Ira hurt!

Baron von Boom: It’s not my fault she sucks!

Omen: She told you she can’t fight close range! You knew that all along! What the hell possessed you to have her fight him when I was right there or, god forbid, you could’ve done it yourself?

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom was trying to make a point.

Omen (sighing harshly): And this is why you aren’t our leader. Selan might not be very evil but at least she knows what she’s doing when she sends us into battle.

Baron von Boom: Yeah, right. 9_9

Omen: YES. RIGHT. Selanio, she knows everything about our powers. She knows exactly how much you can lift, in pounds and kilograms, with your super-strength. She knows how many spoons I can bend at once. She knows our weaknesses, our strengths, everything. And she does everything in her power to ensure that we never get hurt. And don’t argue with me on this one! The proof is right here—the only time we’ve ever had a serious injury has been today—with you in charge!

Baron von Boom (turning away, frowning): …

(Lady Ira groans and moves a little, opening her eyes.)

Omen: Selan!

Lady Ira: Hnnngh… Is everybody okay?

Omen: Yeah, we’re fine. What about you?

Lady Ira: My limbs are asleep… (she wiggles her fingers) Buuu… did we win?

Omen: No, we had to run away.

Lady Ira: Aww, I’m sorry guys. =< I ruined the plaaaaaan.

Omen: Don’t worry about it, we can always try again later. Right, Selanio?

Baron von Boom: …

Omen (glaring): RIGHT?

Baron von Boom (turning back to face them again): … da. Come on, let’s go home. (He picks Lady Ira up)

Lady Ira: H-hey! Put me down!

Baron von Boom: Lady Ira is so clumsy and useless, if we allow her to walk she might fall and hurt herself again! u_u

Lady Ira: Baron, you jerk, put me dooooown!

Baron von Boom (laughing): Watch your volume, you might hurt your voice!

Lady Ira: You’re so mean! TToTT

(Baron von Boom starts walking away, carrying the struggling Lady Ira in his arms. Omen shrugs, smiling to himself, and follows.)

-- End: Episode three

[EP002] Nice hair.

(Selan and Selanio are walking down the hall of the English building, Selan clutching in her hands a clump of papers stapled together.)

Selanio: I don’t see why you’re dragging me along.

Selan: Selan doesn’t like going to teachers’ offices alone! Especially not Professor Marika. He scares me.

Selanio: Selanio does not like Professor Marika. He’s a dick.

Selan: He’s not a dick, he’s just scary beyond all reason.

Selanio: No, he’s a dick. u_u

Selan (rolling her eyes): Whatev…

(Selan and Selanio get to Marika’s office. Selan nervously knocks on the door.)

Marika (from inside): Come in!

(Selan looks at Selanio with a face that just screams “I really don’t want to be here”, and opens the door and walks in)

Marika: Hm? Yes?

Selan: Er… I um… Well, that big paper is due tomorrow and all, and I don’t think I’m gonna be able to make it to class, so I thought I’d turn it in now and… um… (She holds the paper out)

Marika (taking the paper): Is there a reason you won’t be in class tomorrow?

Selan: Er, um, ah… personal reasons. Something came up. I’d rather not discuss.

(Marika opens his mouth to speak, but the door opens and a boy with his hair dyed green walks in. He looks up at the other occupants of the room)

Boy: Um… am I interrupting anything?

Marika: No, Tavarius, just sit over there for a moment.

Selanio: Nice hair.

Tavvy (not sure if he’s sarcastic or not): Ah… thanks?

Marika (turning back to Selan): Anyway. This will be fine. You may go now.

Selan: Thanks. Um. Bye, then.

(Selan nods her head, and she and Selanio leave. Marika and Tavvy pause for a moment, as though waiting for Selan and Selanio to get far enough away, before Tavvy finally buries his face in the desk and groans)

Tavvy: This is too much!

Marika: What is?

Tavvy (lifting his head): This! This whole thing!

Marika (smiling): I surely don’t know what you’re talking about.

Tavvy: Oh, I’m sure you don’t! (He sighs) It was fine earlier. I just had to deal with the occasional bank robbery or whatever, and then Lady Ira and her cronies came along and I could deal with them, too. But now there’s this Quantum kid and now it seems like Ira’s group is specifically doing their attacks whenever I’m already busy dealing with Quantum and… (He puts his head in his hands) I’m exhausted.

Marika: I remember when I had at least five active adversaries all attacking the city at once, for weeks on end…

Tavvy: And I don’t know how you managed to do it! Honestly, would it be so hard for you to help me out once in a while?

Marika: I’m retired. I don’t do those things anymore.

Tavvy: You can’t just retire from being a hero!

Marika: I can, and I did.

Tavvy: But…

Marika: Listen to me, Tavarius. I know what you’re capable of. I know that you can handle this.

Tavvy: I’m not so sure.

Marika: You’d better be able to handle it. I can promise you that it does not get easier as time goes by.

(Tavvy sighs)

Marika: You have the potential to be a great hero. Perhaps even greater than me, some day.

Tavvy: You’re just saying that.

Marika: I don’t give away compliments that I don’t mean, and you know that.

(Tavvy looks away. His watch starts to beep. He looks at it, and lets out a relieved sigh.)

Tavvy: Oh good, just a bank robbery. This I can handle.

Marika: Go on, then.

(Tavvy walks to the door)

Marika: And good luck, Apogee.

Tavvy: … thanks, Professor.

(Tavvy runs out of the room)

(Meanwhile, Selan and Selanio have made their way outside and are walking down the sidewalk)

Selanio: So why are you skipping class tomorrow, anyway?

Selan: Xeno said that Quantum was going to be trying to steal some diamond tomorrow. I figured we’d pull off a heist while Apogee’s busy with that.

Selanio: Ah.

Selan: Hey, I thought you liked heists! You don’t seem very excited.

Selanio: I know, it’s just Selanio is a little tired of all these carefully planned heists. I like to just do things when we feel like doing them, you know?

Selan: Hmm… Hey, do you have any more classes today?

Selanio: No. You?

Selan: No. Let’s go blow some shit up.


Selanio (his face lighting up like a kid on Christmas): Really?

Selan: Yeah. Let’s go get changed.

(Not fifteen minutes later, downtown is in a panic as Baron von Boom and Lady Ira are throwing bombs every which way, demolishing anything in their sight. Civilians are fleeing the area screaming, and police officers stand far away, wondering why Apogee hasn’t showed up yet.)

Baron von Boom: Now THIS is what I’m talking about! Spontaneity, explosions… fuck yeah! (he throws a bomb at a hot dog stand. It explodes, raining chunks of questionable meat down onto the sidewalk around)

Lady Ira: Ira is pleased!

(Suddenly, a voice calls out from the sky)

Voice: Hold it!

Baron von Boom (sighing): Right on schedule…

(Apogee descends from the sky, floating on his jetpack. He looks rather winded, as though he’s really had to rush to get there)

Apogee: You guys seriously can’t give me one day off, can you?

Lady Ira: We didn’t do anything yesterday.

Apogee: Yeah, but there were like ten muggings I had to stop.

Lady Ira: Hey, don’t complain to me, I had nothing to do with it.

Apogee: Okay, I’ll give you that… could you stop attacking when I’m already busy, though? It’s seriously getting annoying.

Lady Ira: Sorry, no, we’re gonna keep that up.

Apogee (sighing): Jeez… well, okay. I guess this is where I say, (He fakes a heroic voice) I’m going to stop you, evildoers!

Lady Ira (clapping): Nice! Very dramatic.

Baron von Boom: Heh. I’d like to see you try! (He shoots some energy bolts at Apogee, who dodges)

Lady Ira: Yeah! (She throws a bunch of kunai at Apogee) Take that, Apogeek!

Apogee (dodging the kunai): Apogeek? Is that the best you can come up with?

Baron von Boom: Seriously, Ira, that was lame.

Lady Ira (shrugging): It was there. Ira had to say it.

Baron von Boom: How long have you been waiting to use that one?

Lady Ira: Oh, shut up!

Apogee: Sorry to interrupt this little squabble, but-- (He uses his laser vision on Lady Ira, who blocks it with a barrier.)

(Apogee rushes forward, fists raised, and tries to hit Baron von Boom. Baron catches each of Apogee’s fists in his own hands, however, and grins as he holds the hero back.)

Baron von Boom: Nice hair. That a side-effect of your superpowers, or do you actually think it looks cool?

Lady Ira: Hey, I kinda like his hair…

Apogee: I should ask you the same about that moustache.

Baron von Boom: Hey, Baron von Boom’s moustache is badass! (He throws Apogee back) You’re just jealous because you’re not man enough to grow any facial hair!

Lady Ira: With his features, Apogee would look terrible with facial hair.

Apogee (catching himself in mid-air): Yeah, I prefer not looking creepy and weird, like you.

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom looks badass! (He starts shooting more energy bolts at Apogee)

(Apogee dodges the blasts and flies at Baron again. When he gets close enough, Baron von Boom tries to punch him—Apogee dodges and, while Baron is off-balance, lands a punch in Baron’s gut. He follows this with a punch to Baron’s face, and then lifts Baron up and throws him—he goes flying into the sky, disappearing in the distance.)

Lady Ira (rolling her eyes): What is this, an anime? All we need is for there to be a little twinkle in the sky where he disappeared… sigh. Okay, I’m out. Good fight, Apogee, I’ll see you around.

Apogee: Hey, wait, you can’t just—

(Lady Ira smiles and drops a smoke bomb. She’s obscured from view, and there’s the sound of her coughing—each cough sounds further away, until the smoke clears and Lady Ira is nowhere to be seen.)

Apogee: Jeez. Well, at least it didn’t take too long to get rid of them…

(Apogee flies away.)

(Not long after, Lady Ira is at the river, trying to fish Baron von Boom out of the water.)

Lady Ira (holding out a stick for Baron to grab onto): And this is why we need to plan things out!

Baron von Boom: Oh, shut up!

-- End: Episode two

[EP001] Fruit Baskets?

(It’s a bright, beautiful day on a certain college campus as a thin red-haired girl stands at a bus stop, absentmindedly listening to her iPod and ignoring the crowd around her. Next to her, someone reads a newspaper—the headline reads “APOGEE SAVES THE DAY AGAIN”, and a photo of the famed superhero graces a large fraction of the remaining page. The bus rolls around the corner just as the girl begins to get impatient, and she files onto the vehicle along with everyone else.)

(The sun is a little lower in the sky as the girl walks into her house. She drops her backpack at the door and pulls her earbuds out, walking into the living room where her roommates are watching TV.)

Selan: Homies! What’s up in da hizzy!

Selanio (Motioning at the TV): What the hell is this?

Selan: I don’t know, you’re the one watching it. What is it?

Xeno: Looks like there’s a new villain in town.

Selanio: He’s treading on our domain, here!

Selan (watching the TV): What, did he take the mayor hostage?

Xeno: Yeah. Apogee interfered, of course.

Selan: They catch ‘im?

Xeno: Nah, he got away.

Selan: Isn’t that cute. Hey, wasn’t that the first thing we did, when we bust into the scene?

Selanio: Damn right it is.

Selan: Aww, maybe he’s a fan!

Selanio: Selanio wouldn’t count on it. I’m thinking this is more of a, “ha ha, see that, you guys? I can do the same things you can but BETTER.” Except that he didn’t do it better, but the insult’s the same.

Selan: Selan thinks Selanio’s being paranoid.

Xeno: I don’t know, you don’t usually see much camaraderie among villains. I mean, I guess he could be a fan, but considering our line of work it’s more likely that Selanio might actually be right for once.

Selanio: Selanio is always right.

Selan: Buu… okay, we’ll go meet him. Xeno, you do your psychic thing. Find out where this guy’s gonna hit next, ‘kay?

Xeno: Can do.

Selan: Cool beans. I guess that means I gotta go buy a fruit basket, yeah?

Selanio: What?

Selan: That’s what you do when you get new neighbors, right? You give them a fruit basket.

Selanio: This isn’t a new neighbor, Selan. It’s a new rival.

Selan: Still no reason to be inhospitable. ‘Sides, if he doesn’t want it, then we get a fruit basket!

Xeno: Don’t argue with her, man, she’s gonna do it whether you like it or not.

(Selanio groans)

Selan: ‘Kay, I’ll be at the store. You guys know how to contact me if you need to~

Selanio: At least buy rotten fruit.

Selan (at the door, grabbing her purse): Like some bananas that are too yellow and will be brown in a day? Maaaaybe! >D Ja~

(Selan leaves. Selanio smacks himself in the forehead.)

Selanio: That girl is hopeless…

Xeno (getting up): That girl is our leader.

Selanio: I know, I know…

(Selanio flumps down onto his side, lying on the couch and changing the channel. Xeno leaves to go to his room.)

(It’s a day later, and the three are waiting around in a bank, all dressed up in their villain clothes. Selan/ Lady Ira is tapping her foot impatiently while holding a large basket of fruit.)

Selan/ Lady Ira: Ira is booooored. Are you sure he’s supposed to show up here, Omen?

Xeno/ Omen: Positive.

Selanio/ Baron von Boom: And you’re absolutely sure that this wasn’t just your powers telling you that we should just rob this bank and leave it at that?

Omen: We can do that after.

Baron von Boom: Sweet.

Lady Ira: Well, this jerk better show up soon. Ira is tired of holding this stupid basket.

Baron von Boom: I told you not to bring it, you should’ve listened.

Lady Ira: Oh, shush you.

(Just then, a large section of roof caves in. Lady Ira puts forth a hand, fumbling with the basket in the other, and puts up a barrier, protecting herself and her comrades from the falling ceiling. When the dust finally clears, the group can see two figures in front of them—a boy with orange hair, and a girl with black hair. Both hover over the ground, suspended by jetpacks.)

Girl: I think someone’s beaten us here.

Boy: Huh. I was wondering when we’d run into these idiots.

Baron von Boom: Hey! We’re not idiots!

Lady Ira (holding out the fruit basket): Hiiii, welcome to the city, I’m Lady Ira, and these are my homies Baron von Boom and Omen. We’re the place’s resident villains, it’s nice to meet you!

Boy (a little taken aback): Is that… what is that?

Girl: It’s a fruit basket, looks like.

Boy: I’m not taking it.

Lady Ira: Aww, why not? I picked it out special.

Omen (to Baron): This can’t be right. Those kids can’t be a day over 15.

Baron von Boom (to Omen): Kids these days… they just can’t leave the evildoing to the trained villains.

Boy: Look, we’re rivals, okay?! I’m not taking a fruit basket from someone who I don’t even like!

Girl: Oh, just take it.

Boy: But—

(The girl floats over to Lady Ira and takes the basket, smiling sweetly.)

Girl: Thank you so much.

Lady Ira: Oh, it’s my pleasure!

Baron von Boom (covering his face in his hands): This is so fucking ridiculous.

Omen: It’s a little embarrassing…

Girl: Oh! You’ve told us your names, but you don’t know ours, do you?

Boy: They don’t HAVE to know our names, we’re going to destroy them anyway.

Girl: I’m Chandra, and he’s Quantum.

Baron von Boom (laughing): Quantum?! I guess it’s fitting, since he’s so small—

Quantum: I heard that, you moron!

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom was not trying to hide his laughing!

Omen: It’s your own fault, really, for choosing a name like that…

Quantum: For the record, I chose this name because I’m supposed to be unpredictable!

Lady Ira: Ah, sort of like… we can measure your position, but not your velocity?

Chandra: Sort of…

Lady Ira: Well that’s well and good, but unpredictability won’t help you with us. We’ve got a psychic! (She jabs a thumb in Omen’s direction)

Omen: Yo.

Quantum: Grrr… whatever! Enough of this mindless chatter! (He pulls a large laser gun from his belt and opens fire on the group) Eat laser!

Chandra (yelling over the sound of laser fire): Bri--Quantum, that wasn’t very nice! They were just being friendly!

Lady Ira (yelling from the cloud of smoke the lasers are causing): Yeah seriously! How antisocial can you be?!

(Quantum stops firing, surprised to hear Lady Ira talking. The smoke clears and reveals Lady Ira covering herself and the rest of them with one of her barriers)

Omen: You really didn’t plan that one out, did you?

Chandra: Well, it’s hard to get solid information on you guys. We’d heard you could make barriers but we weren’t sure.

Lady Ira: We should start a website. We could have an F-A-Q!

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom could get behind this. As long as there is no posting of our weaknesses.

Lady Ira: Oh, of course.

Quantum: Will you all shut up, already?! (He takes a breath) Jeez. Can’t you understand the fact that I’m trying to kill you all?

Lady Ira: Why?

Omen: Seriously. What’d we do?

Chandra: Actually, I was wondering that too. I mean, we just came to rob the bank. We could’ve just asked them to step aside, or split the money with us, or—

Quantum: Look, we’re out to take over the world, right?

Chandra: Well, yes…

Quantum: And so are they, right?

Baron von Boom: Damn right!

Chandra: Ah… yes.

Quantum: So doesn’t it stand to reason that it’d be a lot easier for us to take over the world if they were out of the way?

Chandra: I suppose so, but it still doesn’t seem like a nice thing to do.

Quantum: I’m not supposed to be nice, I’m a villain. We’re villains, Chandra!

Chandra: Ah… right. Bwa ha ha?

Quantum (shrugging): … okay. You know what? I think we should retreat and come up with some sort of strategy.

Chandra: Sounds like a good idea to me.

Omen: Yeah, seriously. This whole thing here was sort of a miserable failure.

(Quantum shoots at Omen, who dodges out of the way.)

Omen (a little frazzled): Hey!

Quantum (chuckling): Take that as a warning. Next time, you won’t be so lucky! (he starts rising into the air)

Chandra (really trying to be evil, while following Quantum upward): Yes, we’ll do… bad things, next time! Okay? Ahaha…

Lady Ira: Good luck!

Baron von Boom: Don’t wish them good luck, they’re out for our blood!

Lady Ira: Oh… right. Not good luck! Sorry guys, but I like my blood!

Quantum (yelling from high in the air): That’s fine! I can kill you in plenty of ways that won’t draw blood!

Lady Ira: That isn’t cool either!

(No response—Quantum and Chandra are out of earshot now)

Lady Ira: Buu… well, that could have gone better.

Baron von Boom: Let’s rob this bank, already!

Omen: Yeah, yeah, we’re getting to it…

Lady Ira: I hope they like their fruit basket, anyway.

(Just then, the fruit basket falls out of the sky, landing with a SPLAT on the floor at Ira’s feet

Lady Ira: Goddamn.

-- End: Episode one.