[EP003] Just like that.

(It’s nighttime as our villains enter their home. Lady Ira takes off her overshirt, sighing harshly as she tosses it onto the couch.)

Baron von Boom: Well, that was a miserable failure.

Lady Ira: It wasn’t so bad. We still managed to steal those ancient artifacts that Xeno wanted, before Apogee drove us out.

Omen (holding some very rare-looking stone objects): Yeah. I’m happy.

Baron von Boom: What about the things that Selanio wants?!

Lady Ira (wandering into her bedroom and talking through the door): What was it you wanted again?

Baron von Boom: All those fancy swords would’ve been nice! And some of the cursed stuff?

Omen: You know, I really think it’s best that we didn’t steal anything that’s cursed.

Baron von Boom: Don’t tell me you actually believe in that stuff.

Omen: Of course I do.

Selan (wandering back in, having changed her clothes): Remember, Xeno’s all mystical and magical. He knows about curses and things.

Baron von Boom: Feh, whatever.

Omen (wandering off to his own room): I think it was a pretty successful robbery, really! I should be able to use this stuff to boost my psychic powers, maybe… should definitely come in handy. (There’s a pause, and Xeno comes in wearing his civilian clothes) Some more gold or other things would’ve been nice, but this is the stuff we came for, if you’ll remember.

Selan: Yeah! Another successful robbery, under the watchful eye of Lady Ira!

Selanio (pulling off his bowtie): No, not a successful robbery! It would’ve been a success if we had fought off Apogee and gotten to take more stuff! If you hadn’t--

Selan (interrupting): If Selan is not mistaken, is Selanio not supposed to be the team’s muscle?

Selanio: Hey! I’m not--

Xeno: I’m pretty sure, yeah.

Selan: And did muscleman Selanio not directly disobey several of my orders—orders which could have defeated Apogee if only they had been heeded?

Xeno: This is true.

Selan: So really, Selanio shouldn’t be complaining about my leadership—he should be complaining about his inability to follow any of my orders.

Xeno: Sounds about right to me.

Selanio: Hey! Selanio only disobeyed your orders when you gave me stupid orders!

Selan: Oh, and the things you did were any better?

Selanio: Yes!

Selan: Say that to me without a swollen cheek—oh wait, you can’t, because Apogee walloped you to next week!

(Selanio grabs Selan by the collar of her shirt)

Xeno: Selanio, what the hell are you doing?

Selanio (to Selan): How long have we been at this world-domination game?

Selan: Two years…

Selanio: Doesn’t seem like we’ve gotten very far under your leadership.

Selan (her eyes tearing up): What are you saying?

Selanio (throwing Selanio to the ground): I’m saying you’re a lousy leader!

Selan (on the floor, sniffling): =< Nye pravda…

Selanio: Pravda!

Xeno (kneeling next to Selan): Don’t listen to him, Selan. Selanio’s just miffed he didn’t get any new toys.

Selan (wiping her eyes and collecting herself): Selanio is stupid. u_u You think you can do better?

Selanio: I do!

Selan: Hmph. Selanio doesn’t know what it takes to be a leader!

Selanio: At least I know how to be evil, which is a lot more than I can say for you!

Selan: Selan is plenty evil!

Selanio: Hah! Yeah right! Look, when a true villain sees a cute animal, he doesn’t pet it and go “aww, lookit the little hamster-face!”. You know what he does?

Selan: Hm?

Selanio: He steps on it!

Selan: Oh, then you must not be very evil then.

Selanio: What?

Selan: We all know what you do when you see a cute animal. (She imitates Selanio’s accent) “Aaagh! Evil demon squirrel! It’s out for my GUTS! Save me Selan!”

Selanio: I do not!

Selan: Oh? (She looks upward) Computer! Code blue!

(A blue light flashes, and a ceiling tile opens and drops a squirrel in front of Selanio)

Selan: There you go, Selanio. u_u Step on it.

Selanio (staring at the squirrel in abject horror): Wh-what is this?!

Selan: This, (She motions at the squirrel) is my anti-Selanio defense system. Clever, no? Now go on, then. Step on the little guy.

Selanio (biting his lip): I totally will. You just watch. (He lifts his foot, and holds it over the squirrel. He starts to bring it down, but the squirrel moves suddenly, causing Selanio to jump back in terror and fall onto his ass)

(The other two laugh)

Selan: Real evil, Baron.

(Selanio growls, clenching his fists. Selan smiles and holds a hand out to Selanio to help him up)

Selan: Tell you what, hon. I’ll let you be leader, just for tomorrow. Will that make you feel better?

Selanio (grinning and getting up without taking Selan’s hand): Of course. After all, once you guys have served under Selanio, you’ll want me to be leader permanently!

Selan (giggling): I’m sure. Anyway, Selan’s got some homework to do, and then sleep will happen. Oyasumi~

Xeno (groaning): I dread tomorrow. Good night, Selan.

(Selan giggles again and goes to her room, shutting the door.)

Xeno: I only see this ending in ruin.

Selanio: You’re just jealous because you won’t get to be leader. (He sticks his tongue out)

Xeno: I’m not sure if you’ve realized, but I never wanted to be leader, Selanio.

Selanio: Suuure. (He grins) Well, Selanio is heading off to bed! Must be well-rested to be a leader, you know! Poka~

Xeno (sitting on the couch and grabbing the remote): Right, “pakuh”, whatever. 9_9

(It’s the next day, around two PM. Selan and Selanio are both done with class for the day, and Xeno doesn’t have any work today so the three are assembled in the living room, in villain costume, ready to enact their plan for the day)

Baron von Boom: The first order of business under Baron von Boom’s iron rule is this—our group will have a name!

Lady Ira: Selan could never come up with a decent name for us…

Baron von Boom: Da. And so I hereby declare our group the “Baron von Boom kicks the marmot’s ass army”!

Omen: No.

Baron von Boom: What?

Omen: Just no. That’s stupid.

Lady Ira: Why a marmot? What did the marmot ever do to you?

Baron von Boom: It’s a marmot. That’s crime enough. Okay! Second order of business! Omen, you know where that Quantum punk is attacking today, right?

Omen (not liking the sound of this): Yes…

Baron von Boom: Sweet! Alright guys, we’re taking that kid out.

Lady Ira: Whaaaaat? Why?

Baron von Boom: Because he’s out for our blood.

Lady Ira: But he’s been really useful as a distraction for Apogee! Also that Chandra girl is really nice.

Baron von Boom: But it’s not safe to let him run around unchecked. Useful or not, he’s dangerous, da?

Lady Ira: Well, yeah, but so far he’s—

Baron von Boom: No objections! Baron von Boom is the leader, so all will do as I say! u_u

Lady Ira: Well, okay, if you’re sure…

Omen: I can’t say I’m happy to take part in this, but whatever…

(The three leave to enact their evil plan! Omen reveals that Quantum will be raiding a nearby laboratory, and so the three sneak in and wait, until…)

(Quantum enters! Blasting his way through the walls, he enters the mechanical storage room where our villains lie in wait. He looks momentarily surprised to see them there, but then grins.)

Quantum: So finally you guys face me.

Baron von Boom: Hell yeah! We’re taking you down, tinyman!

Quantum: Hah! As if you could! I’m significantly better prepared than I was last time. Go on. Try and take me on.

Lady Ira: Heeey, where’s Chandra?

Quantum: She couldn’t make it.

Lady Ira: Why?

Quantum: She was busy, okay? Jeez…

Baron von Boom: Stop the chitchat, Ira! Attack him!

Lady Ira: But… We’re in a closed space and I’m more of a long-range fighter, Omen would be better—

Baron von Boom: Do not disobey your leader! Go!

Lady Ira (rolling her eyes): Okay…

(Lady Ira throws some kunai at Quantum, who shoots them out of the air with his laser gun.)

Lady Ira (running closer and trying to swipe at Quantum with a kunai): Hey, sorry about this. The Baron’s leader for the day and he’s kinda… you know.

Quantum (dodging her attack): What, do you think that’ll make me go easier on you or something?

Lady Ira: Well, no, but…

Quantum (grinning): Hey, let me show you my new invention.

Lady Ira: Ooh, what’s it do?

Quantum: Here, put up a barrier.

Lady Ira (holding out her arms and encasing herself in a barrier): Like this?

Quantum: Just like that. (He pulls something from his belt, and fires it at her—it’s like a taser gun, except that the electric dart sticks to her barrier instead of Lady Ira herself. It sends out an electric shock, which shoots straight through her barrier and hits Ira. Her barrier breaks. Lady Ira crumples to the ground.)

Baron von Boom: What the hell just happened? I thought nothing could get through her barriers!

Omen: Obviously something can!

Baron von Boom (calling out): Ira! Get off your ass!

(Quantum, by now, has his laser pointed at the motionless Ira.)

Omen: Shit. (He holds out his hands, and his eyes and hands glow green. Quantum stops moving.)

Quantum: H-hey! What the hell?!

Omen: Grab Ira and get out of here, Baron!

Baron von Boom: Hey, Baron didn’t know you could use your telekinesis on people.

Omen (looking strained): I’m not supposed to! Now go, before I pass out too!

Baron von Boom (looking a little miffed that he’s taking orders from Omen): Fine, okay!

(Baron von Boom runs over and picks Lady Ira up, slinging her over his shoulder. He runs back to Omen.)

Baron von Boom: Can’t we just—

Omen: No! Get the hell out of here!

Baron von Boom: Damn…

(He knocks out a wall with an energy bolt, and runs outside. Omen throws Quantum into a shelf and follows Baron outside. They continue running until they’ve found a parking garage to hide in, and they lay Ira down on the concrete)

Omen: Is she okay?

Baron von Boom: I bet she’s faking it, just to ruin my day.

(Omen smacks Baron in the back of the head)

Baron von Boom: Ow! Hey, that’s no way to treat your leader!

Omen: Some leader you turned out to be! We go get in a fight with a little kid and get Ira hurt!

Baron von Boom: It’s not my fault she sucks!

Omen: She told you she can’t fight close range! You knew that all along! What the hell possessed you to have her fight him when I was right there or, god forbid, you could’ve done it yourself?

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom was trying to make a point.

Omen (sighing harshly): And this is why you aren’t our leader. Selan might not be very evil but at least she knows what she’s doing when she sends us into battle.

Baron von Boom: Yeah, right. 9_9

Omen: YES. RIGHT. Selanio, she knows everything about our powers. She knows exactly how much you can lift, in pounds and kilograms, with your super-strength. She knows how many spoons I can bend at once. She knows our weaknesses, our strengths, everything. And she does everything in her power to ensure that we never get hurt. And don’t argue with me on this one! The proof is right here—the only time we’ve ever had a serious injury has been today—with you in charge!

Baron von Boom (turning away, frowning): …

(Lady Ira groans and moves a little, opening her eyes.)

Omen: Selan!

Lady Ira: Hnnngh… Is everybody okay?

Omen: Yeah, we’re fine. What about you?

Lady Ira: My limbs are asleep… (she wiggles her fingers) Buuu… did we win?

Omen: No, we had to run away.

Lady Ira: Aww, I’m sorry guys. =< I ruined the plaaaaaan.

Omen: Don’t worry about it, we can always try again later. Right, Selanio?

Baron von Boom: …

Omen (glaring): RIGHT?

Baron von Boom (turning back to face them again): … da. Come on, let’s go home. (He picks Lady Ira up)

Lady Ira: H-hey! Put me down!

Baron von Boom: Lady Ira is so clumsy and useless, if we allow her to walk she might fall and hurt herself again! u_u

Lady Ira: Baron, you jerk, put me dooooown!

Baron von Boom (laughing): Watch your volume, you might hurt your voice!

Lady Ira: You’re so mean! TToTT

(Baron von Boom starts walking away, carrying the struggling Lady Ira in his arms. Omen shrugs, smiling to himself, and follows.)

-- End: Episode three