[EP012] Scrawnyman's got skillz!

(The scene is Selan et al.’s house, in the living room on the 14th of December. The room is all decorated with streamers, with a big blue banner saying “HAPPY BIRTHDAY SELANIO” hanging on the wall.)

Selan (holding a cake): Laeta natalis, Selanio~

Xeno (holding presents): What she said.

Selanio: Give presents. Now. u_u

Selan: You have to blow out the candles and eat some cake first.

Selanio: It’s Selanio’s birthday, do as Selanio says! Presents!

Xeno: Just blow out the damn candles, man.

Selanio (rolling his eyes): Fiiine. (he blows out the candles) Now?

Selan: Eat the freaking cake, Baron. u_u

Selanio: Groooaaan. Fine, hand it over.

(Selan smiles and cuts a big slice of cake and gives it to Selanio. He wolfs it down before Selan can even finish cutting slices for herself and Xeno.)

Selanio (with a mouth full of cake): Presents. Now!

Selan: 9_9 Okay. Xeno, hand them over.

(Xeno puts the presents down on the table and Selanio tears into them, ripping the wrapping paper to shreds.)

Selanio: Hmmm… predictable but fine nonetheless.

Selan: … just that?

Selanio: Yes.

Selan: Selan was hoping for more of a… you know, (she mimics Selanio’s accent) “Holy craps! These presents are awesome! Pravda!”

Selanio (rolling his eyes): Is pravda the only word of Russian you know?

Selan (shrugging): My teacher used to say it a lot. Ya studyentka! Pravda? Da! Interesna!

Selanio: That’s stupid.

Selan: You’re stupid.

Selanio: Am not. And it’s my birthday, so you’re not supposed to insult me today anyway. u_u

Xeno (to Selan): Didn’t you say you had another surprise for Selanio?

Selan: Hm? Oh! Right! Selan almost forgot! (She rummages through her pockets, and hands Selanio a slip of paper)

Selanio (reading it): “IOU one day of Selanio getting to be the leader! Redeemable anytime.”

(Selanio pauses, grins, and busts out into evil laughter)

Selan: Aww, I knew you’d like that. n_n

Selanio (slamming the coupon on the coffee table in dramatic fashion): Selanio redeems his coupon now!

Selan: But we’re taking a break from evil during the holiday, remember?

Selanio: Not today! It is Selanio’s birthday, and Selanio wants to pull a birthday heist!

Selan: Aww, well, if you’re sure…

(Cut to later that night! The three are standing outside a bank.)

Lady Ira: Ira thinks this is a bad idea. I mean, with all the other bank robberies going on lately…

Omen: We’re going to look unoriginal.

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom doesn’t care. I want some damn birthday money.

Lady Ira: Will you use some of it to buy me a Christmas present?

Baron von Boom: Maybe. If I feel like it.

Lady Ira (shrugging): Good enough.

(The Baron charges energy into his hand and punches his fist into the wall, knocking down the wall.)

Omen: … no alarm.

Baron von Boom (walking into the bank): So what?

Lady Ira (remaining outside): So there should be an alarm. Something’s not right.

Baron von Boom: Would you just get in here, already?!

(Lady Ira starts to step in, but stops when the group hears voices approaching. She steps back.)

Voice: It came from over here.

Other voice: And I have to come with you why…?

(Two men in black suits walk in from another room. One has long dirty-blonde hair and the other has short auburn hair cut into an emo style.)

Omen: Goddammit, Baron.

Lady Ira: Did someone beat us to the robbing?

Emo-hair: Shit, witnesses.

Blonde: I know these guys, they’re those lame villains that’re always causing trouble.

Emo-hair: So they won’t call the cops. Fine. Let’s get the money and go.

lady Ira: Can we have some money too?

Emo-hair: No.

Blonde: We can’t just let witnesses go! The boss’ll kill us!

Emo-hair: Does he need to know?

Baron von Boom: You two get out of the way! Baron von Boom wants some damn money!

Lady Ira: Aww, don’t be impolite, Baron. Hiii guys, I’m Lady Ira, who are you?

Blonde: You don’t need to know our names.

Emo-hair: You can call me Agent 02. He’s Agent 03.

Omen: Is there an 01?

Agent 02: Yes.

Omen: Where?

Agent 02: Not here, thankfully.

Agent 03: Stop chatting with the enemy, Two.

Agent 02: Don’t tell me what to do, kid. I outrank you.

Agent 03: Oh, for the love of… (he clenches his fists, and sparks of electicity spark around his hands. He starts throwing bolts of lightning at the group)

Baron von Boom (jumping back): Shit! Scrawnyman’s got skills!

Lady Ira: Hey, what’s wrong with being scrawny…?

(Agent 03 leaps forward, trying to zap Selanio into a piece of charcoal. Selan steps forward and covers Selanio and herself in a barrier. Omen stands back, out of range of the attack)

Omen: Your orders, O fearless leader?

Baron von Boom: We stay and fight! Go throw something at this guy!

(Omen shrugs and uses his telekinesis to pull a small tree out of some nearby landscaping. He smacks Agent 03 away from the Baron and Lady Ira, and once Ira drops the barrier the Baron starts throwing energy bolts at him. 03 dodges, and eventually retreats back to where 02 is standing with his hands in his pockets.)

Agent 03: Is there a reason why you’re just standing here?

Agent 02: I’m just watching the show.

Agent 03: Ugh, you’re such a dick…

Agent 02: Fuck you.

Agent 03: Okay, let’s do things this way… (He looks over, analyzing the three villains before him) The girl does barriers. If she’s out of the way, I can take the others down easily. You take care of her, I’ll cover you, then I’ll finish this. Okay?

Agent 02: No.

Agent 03: I’ll be doing most of the work!

Agent 02: I don’t see why we don’t just take the money and run.

Agent 03: Just do it, dammit.

Lady Ira: What’re they arguing about? Can you hear?

Baron von Boom: The Baron is not sure.

Lady Ira: Maybe we should leave.

Baron von Boom: Nyet! Baron von Boom, almighty leader of the Baron-kicks-the-marmot’s-ass-army, never backs down from a fight!

Omen: That’s not our name, dammit!

Agent 02: Oh, fine. If it’ll shut you up.

(Agent 02 holds out his hands and frowns, concentrating. The area surrounding Lady Ira turns dark.)

Lady Ira (stumbling a little): What the…

Baron von Boom: I think you should probably get out of that dark area, Ira.

Lady Ira: Umm… uhnn… Ira’s feet are heavy.

Agent 03 (calling to them): Oh, did I forget to mention? Two can control gravity!

(Lady Ira slouches over, then falls to her knees.)

Lady Ira: Heavy…

Baron von Boom: Nice trick.

Lady Ira: Not nice trick! Ira can’t move…

Baron von Boom: Whiner. Okay, okay, here. (he walks over to pull Ira out, but ends up unable to move, just like her) Oh, goddammit…

Omen: Smart one, Baron.

Baron von Boom: Shut up and get us out of here!

Agent 03: What’re you waiting for, Two? Crush them, already.

Agent 02: I’d rather just hold them down while you knock them out.

Agent 03: Just kill them, okay? Save me some trouble. -_-;

Agent 02: Jeez…

(The dark area gets darker, and Ira collapses completely, lying flat on the ground. The Baron falls to his knees.)

Lady Ira: Aww shit, we’re in trouble. =<

Baron von Boom: Wait… Baron will get us out… unghh… (He tries to get up, but falls over)

Lady Ira: Wait… wait. (She makes a small barrier between herself and the Baron, and then expands it. The expansion pushes the Baron out of the gravity field)

Baron von Boom: Hey! Selanio was trying to rescue you!

Lady Ira: You were doing a lousy job of it.

Baron von Boom: Hey!

Lady Ira: I can’t let you get hurt on your birthday =<

Baron von Boom: Bullshit! You just don’t want to let me rescue you. u_u

Omen (smacking Baron upside the head): Come off it. Here, let me try. (His eyes and hands glow green and he tries to lift Ira)

Lady Ira: Ow! Ow! Stop!

(The glow dissipates and Omen stops trying to lift her, trying to catch his breath after such an exhausting attempt.)

Omen: Shit.

(The dark area grows darker. Selan screams briefly, being crushed under her own weight)

Agent 03: This is taking too long.

Agent 02: Fuck you. I’m tired.

Agent 03: Well wake the fuck up!

Agent 02 (rolling his eyes): I’m going to hurt you, seriously…

(Again, the dark area gets darker. The concrete under Selan starts to crack)

Baron von Boom: Fuck this. Omen, distract the scrawny one.

(Omen nods, and pulls a stop sign out of the ground with his powers. He throws it at 03, who stops the metal signpost in mid-air with his electromagnetism. Omen and 03 fight for control over the sign, and while 03 is distracted the Baron shoots a barrage of energy bolts at 02. 02 jumps out of the way, but the attack has broken his concentration and the field of increased gravity has dispersed. The Baron picks Ira up and shakes her.)

Baron von Boom: Hey! Ira! Kak ti?

Omen (still fighting with 03): Is she okay?

Baron von Boom: Shit. She’s out.

Omen: Fuck. (He wrests control of the signpost from 03 and smacks him with it, throwing him backwards into the bank building. He runs back to the Baron) We need to get her to a doctor. She could have internal injuries or something. I mean, look at the concrete.

Baron von Boom: Goddaaaaaamn… well, I guess we kicked their asses enough…

Omen: Right. Now let’s go before the emo guy starts fucking with the laws of physics again.

(They run away)

(Agent 03 pulls himself back to his feet, groaning. Agent 02 walks up to him, his hands in his pockets.)

Agent 02: Let me guess. Follow them?

Agent 03: Yeah. … no, wait. No.

Agent 02: Hm?

Agent 03: I have a plan.

Agent 02: You know, it’s funny. Whenever you say that, I get this insatiable urge to find a bed in a bunker deep underground in the desert and just hide under it for a few years.

Agent 03: … oh, fuck you.

(Hours later…)

(Selan lies in a hospital bed, still unconscious. X-rays have shown her with several broken ribs, and MRIs are scheduled for the next day to determine if there is soft-tissue damage. It’s late at night, and well after visiting hours have ended, when Selanio slips in through the window. He stands over his sleeping leader.)

Selanio (under his breath, in Russian): Selanio wonders what would happen if something happened to her. Would Selanio get permanent leadership? Xeno saw I did everything to save her. He wouldn’t accuse me of having done anything here to prevent her recovery…

(The heart monitor beeps. Selanio sighs.)

Selanio (out loud, in English): You don’t have to worry about anything, Selan. Selanio won’t do anything. Selanio won’t even try bossing Xeno around. Promise. You’ll still be our leader when you get back. Pravda.

(Selanio turns and starts to climb back out the window. He stops and looks back.)

Selanio: Oh, and you’d better get better soon. Xeno’s really fucking annoying when he’s worried.

(Selanio then jumps out the window, landing safely on the ground three stories below.)

--End: Episode twelve

[EP011] The Galactus of bank robbing

(Selan skips into the house, tossing her backpack aside. She goes over to Selanio and Xeno, who are sitting on the couch, and gives them a hug from behind.)

Selan: Finals week is over!

Selanio: Finally. Selanio finished his finals yesterday.

Selan (letting go of them): Oh buu, brag brag brag. At least Selan will have better grades.

Selanio: Who says? Selanio totally aced his tests. u_u

Selan: Not better than I aced mine!

Xeno: I am so glad I’m done with college…

Selan: You say that now, but see how you’ll feel when you’re working all next week and we’re at home being all like, “Woo! Winter break!”

Selanio: Woo! Winter break!

Xeno (sighing): Whatever. I think I’d go nuts if I had to spend all day with Selanio, anyway.

Selan: Selan thinks we should plan some Christmastime mayhem. What thinks you guys?

Selanio: Sure, why not.

Selan: But not, like, ON Christmas. That’s presents-and-food time.

Selanio: Da.

Xeno: I’m working every day until Christmas.

Selan: Whaaat!

Xeno: I’m getting paid extra, so I asked Dougal to schedule me as many hours as possible. I mean, I’m gonna need it if you guys want presents, right?

Selan: That’s true. I do want presents.

Selanio: We could still do something after you’re done with work.

Selan: Naaah, forget it. Let’s just take it easy. We don’t get many vacations from evil, we should take advantage of it.

Selanio: Bleeeehh.

Selan (jumping over the back of the couch and plopping herself down between Xeno and Selanio): So! Watchin’ the news, eh? What’s going on in the news?

Xeno: Weather, Christmas stuff, and some bank robbery.

Selan: Bank robbery? Cool. Quantum or some random robbers?

Xeno: No clue. Apparently it happened at night, they didn’t even notice the robbery until they checked the vault this morning.

Selan: Smooooth. Someone’s got skillz.

Selanio: The news is boring. Selanio demands we watch something better. u_u

Selan: Let’s go do something to celebrate the end of the semester!

Xeno: I thought you said we’re taking a break from evil.

Selan: I mean like go out for dinner or something. Oh! I have an idea! (She gets out her phone and starts dialing a number)

Selanio: Who the hell are you calling?

Selan: Shhh, it’s ringing. Fuu fuu fuu… Hi Ann!

Selanio (facepalm): Oh, goddammit.

Selan: So hey, the semester’s over! Me and the homies were going out for a celebration dinner, wanna come? … Of course he can! … So make him come anyway! … Okay! See you then.

(Selan hangs up)

Selan: Selan is going to go take a shower before we go!

(Selan runs off to her bathroom. Selanio and Xeno look at each other, roll their eyes, and promptly begin fighting over the remote.)

(A little while later, the three are meeting Brian and Ann in front of a restaurant. Selan gives Ann a hug, and moves to give Brian a hug too. He gives her a death-glare, though, and she backs off. Soon the group is inside, seated at a table at the corner of the restaurant.)

Selan: Ahh, isn’t this nice, a dinner with all my friends~

Brian: I’m not your friend.

Selanio: Dinner with all the fiends is more like it.

Selan: Friends, fiends, what’s the difference~

Xeno: Among our lot, there isn’t any.

Selan: See, it’s all good! (She moves closer to Brian) So Brian, Selan was wondering if you would happen to know who was behind that very clever bank robbery last night?

Brian: Don’t look at me, I’ve been busy working on my history project this week.

Selan: So it wasn’t you? Aww darn, I hoped you’d share your secrets with us.

Brian: Even if it had been me, I wouldn’t tell you any of my secrets. u_u

Selan: Aww, you’re so mean. =< Well if it wasn’t you, then who was it?

Xeno: Bank robbers, probably?

Selanio: Obviously.

Selan: No, no wait, I know how this goes! It’s like—you know in comic books, you got the normal villains and then the super ultra villains? And the super ultra villains always do things really cool and stylish like. This is that! There’s a super-ultra-bank robber out there! It’s like the Galactus of bank robbing.

Xeno: I seriously doubt we’re dealing with anything like that.

Selanio: Who’s Galactus?

Ann: I can’t imagine someone that powerful wanting to rob banks. Couldn’t he just steal diamonds from white dwarf stars?

Selan: No. That’s not how it works in comics.

Brian: This isn’t a comic book. -_O

Selanio: Seriously. If this were a comic we’d be doing cooler stuff, and we’d all probably have cool origin stories involving like chemical explosions and stuff.

Selan: Selan’s origins involve a pharmaceutical accident, does that count?

Selanio: No.

Ann: Really? I’d like to hear about that.

Selan: Finally, someone cares! (She elbows Selanio in the ribs) See, when I was really little I was sick. Like, real sick, about to die sick. And there was this drug company testing this new medicine and my parents figured, hey, it’s free and it’s the only chance I’ve got, so they give it to me. I get better, but pretty soon the company and the government notice that a couple of the kids who got this medicine ended up with super powers. The government shut that down real quick. They documented all the kids with powers, but I was embarrassed about it so I pretended like I never got them and so no one ever noticed.

Selanio: Booooring.

Ann: What about you, Selanio?

Selanio (shrugging): All the men in Selanio’s family have these powers.

Selan: Now THAT’s boring.

Ann: And Xeno?

Xeno: Aliens. u_u

Ann (incredulous): Aliens gave you your powers?

Xeno: That’s right.

Brian: Bullshit.

Xeno: I’d like to see you prove me wrong.

Brian: There are no aliens. None that could get over here, anyway.

Xeno: Again I’ll say, prove me wrong.

(Brian rolls his eyes and sighs. Xeno smirks smugly. The waitress arrives with everyone’s food.)

Selan (after the waitress is gone): So what about you two? I mean, I know you haven’t got any powers but surely the public school system doesn’t teach kids to make jetpacks and lasers?

Ann: It’s all Brian. n_n He makes all the amazing machines; I just help out.

Brian: She’s being modest. She made her own jetpack, you know. It’s faster than mine.

Ann: I only made that with your help and you know it.

Selan: But how’d you learn to make things like that?

Brian (shrugging): I just knew. I mean, obviously I’m much smarter than the average person… maybe if you all were as smart as me, you’d be able to make such amazing inventions, too. u_u

Xeno: Hey, Selanio. looks like you have competition for the title of “villain with the biggest ego”.

(Selanio and Brian both glare at Xeno. Xeno laughs and then eats his food.)

Selan: Aww, Brian is so smart. <3

Brian: Of course I am. u_u (He eats too)

(The group finishes their meal, talking all the while. Eventually they finish and go their separate ways.)

--End: Episode eleven

[EP010] It's that guy!

(Professor Marika is sitting in his office, grading papers with a red pen. His door opens and slams shut, but he doesn’t bother to look up.)

Marika: What is it now, Tavarius?

Tavvy: They’re gonna put me on academic suspension, Professor.

Marika (finally looking up): And you’re telling me this why…?

Tavvy: Because without my scholarship I’m not gonna have the money to stay at this school next semester! Professor, my grades are like this because I’m spending all my time doing this superhero thing… can’t you do anything?

(Marika puts his pen down, pauses, and sighs.)

Marika: I got a letter a few weeks ago… I thought that you wouldn’t be interested, but perhaps this might get you enough money to pay for your next semester.

(He pulls a piece of paper from his desk drawer and hands it to Tavvy. Tavvy reads it.)

Tavvy: … A toy deal?

(A few weeks later…)

(Selan and Selanio stomp into the house, where Xeno is watching TV. Xeno looks up at them as they enter.)

Xeno: Where were you guys?

Selan: Toy store.

Selanio: Checking something out.

Xeno: … oookay. Selan, you willingly drove with Selanio?

Selan: You weren’t home. This couldn’t wait.

Xeno: What was so important?

Selanio: This. (He throws a box at Xeno)

Xeno: The hell…? A-An Omen action figure? When did we agree to this?

Selanio: We didn’t.

Xeno: The fuck is this? I don’t look like this! I look like—my skin’s all wrong!

Selanio: Look at mine! (He holds out a Baron action figure) It’s as short as yours! What a travesty!

Selan: You think that’s bad?! (She holds up a Lady Ira action figure) Selan is a B-cup! Barely! Why does my doll have—I mean— look at this, they’re as big as my head! Who can fight like that?!

Selanio (pulling an Apogee figure out of a bag): And of course, the toy for the hero is completely flattering, while we all look terrible. Gods, they even made him tall. Apogee can’t possibly be more than 5’6”! If that!

Selan: Selan’s nose doesn’t look like this, does it? Guys?

Xeno: We should sue.

Selan: We can’t do that, a judge isn’t going to take a case from supervillains! And we can’t very well sue under our real names.

Selanio: I say we kill someone!

Selan: Selan is inclined to side with the Baron, here. u_u

Xeno: Well, that’s an option too, I guess…

(Selan’s phone rings. She looks at it and cocks her head, confused, when she doesn’t recognize the number. She answers it on speakerphone)

Selan: Hello?

Brian (through the phone): I assume you’ve seen this monstrosity of a toy line already.

Selanio: Quantum? Why the hell is this fucker calling us?

Selan: Yeah we’ve seen it! I’m pissed!

Xeno: I assume you’re unhappy with it too?

Brian (phone): Of course! Have you SEEN what they did with Ann?

Selan: Yeah. I thought she looked pretty okay, actually.

Brian (phone): Are you kidding?! They made her eyes blue!

Selanio: So?

Brian (phone): Her eyes are purple, fucktard.

Selanio: Fuck you!

Brian (phone): ANYway. I looked it up and sure enough, Apogee commissioned this bullshit. Naturally, I feel the need to kill this fuck. Ann seems to think it might be a good idea for us to team up.

Selanio: I’m not teaming up with HIM.

Xeno: I don’t know, five against one… I do like those odds.

Selan: Selan has no problem with that.

Brian (phone): Honestly I hate the idea, but yeah, Ann’s saying the whole five-against-one thing, too.

Selan: Seriously? Hey, put her on.

Brian (phone): Hold on, I’ll put it on speaker… there.

Selan: Ann! You’re seriously for us teaming up against Apogee?

Ann (phone): Well, I don’t know, it’s mean, but it’s a whole lot better than attacking him on our own, considering how well that always seems to end.

Selan: Good point.

Brian (phone): Heyy.

Selan: It’s settled, then! We stop trying to kill each other long enough to kill Apogee! Awesome. How we doin’ this?

Selanio: Selanio has a brilliant plan.

Selan: Yeah?

Selanio: Yes. See, Selanio fucking hates his chem. lab.

Selan: Ooh, lemmie guess. We wreck up the place to lure Apogee over there…

Selanio: And destroy the lab so I don’t have to do that damn class. Two birds with one brick, yes.

Selan: Let’s do it. Everyone else okay?

Xeno: Fine by me.

Ann (phone): Okay.

Brian (phone): Let’s just get this over with.

(Not long after, the five villains are in costume and standing in the halls of the Chemistry building. Ira already has her hands over her ears.)

Lady Ira: So when are the bombs going—

(Several bombs go off throughout the building.)

Baron von Boom: Ahh, music to Baron von Boom’s ears~

Chandra: Well, I’m sure Apogee will hear about that soon enough.

Baron von Boom: Let’s smash up what’s left.

(And they do precisely that! They’re messing up the building’s large lecture hall when finally Apogee rushes in.)

Apogee: Stop!

Quantum: Took him long enough.

Lady Ira: Apogee! My associates and I have a bone to pick with you!

Apogee: Don’t you always?

Lady Ira: More than usual, I mean.

Apogee: It has something to do with those stupid toys, doesn’t it?

Baron von Boom: You’re damn right it does! (He throws the Baron action figure at Apogee) Baron von Boom is not short!

Apogee: Look, I’m only the one that gave the okay for them to make those, I didn’t design them or anything.

Lady Ira: Well, you shouldn’t have let them make them so stupid-looking! What the hell, man!

(The five villains start attacking Apogee)

Apogee (shielding his face from the onslaught): Hey! I wasn’t the one in charge of this! I—ow! I left it in someone else’s hands!

Quantum (shooting his laser): Whose?

Apogee: I’m not telling you that! (He rushes forward and tries to land a punch on Baron von Boom)

Baron von Boom (dodging): Well you’re just going to have to take responsibility for it, then! (he lifts Apogee up and throws him into a wall)

Lady Ira: Omen, hold him down!

(Omen nods, and uses his telekinesis to lift up several large heavy objects, which he throws at Apogee. He holds the objects down with all of his might, pinning the hero to the floor.)

Lady Ira: Okay! Everyone else, hit him with all you’ve got!

(Baron von Boom starts pelting Apogee with energy bolts while Quantum and Chandra shoot their lasers at him. This continues on until Apogee finally manages to throw off the junk Omen was holding onto him. He jumps out of the way of the barrage, his hair mussed and his clothes scorched but otherwise looking unharmed. He gasps, catching his breath.)

Lady Ira (throwing kunai at Apogee): We’re totally taking you down today, man! No one gets away with giving me huge jubblies!

Quantum: … “Jubblies”? Jeezus. (He sighs and shakes his head, then resumes shooting at Apogee)

Baron von Boom (to Omen): You know, Ira is the only girl I know who seems to like being flat.

Omen (shrugging): Eh, I’ve known a few other girls like that. I think it’s best if we don’t question it.

Apogee (trying to shoot some heat vision, but having it blocked by Ira): Come on, guys, this is ridiculous! After all the evil plans I’ve thwarted, this is what makes you guys band together to try to kill me?!

Lady Ira: That’s correct!

Omen: These toys make us look terrible! Not to mention you’re making money off of our appearances!

Apogee: It wasn’t even my idea!

Quantum: Bullshit!

Chandra: Sorry, but it really isn’t okay for you to just try to pass the blame…

Baron von Boom: Yeah, you wuss! Can’t just own up to what you’ve done, huh?

Apogee (under his breath): Goddammit, Professor, what’ve you gotten me into…

Lady Ira: What was that?

Apogee: I said, you’ll never defeat me!

(Apogee rushes forward and punches Omen in the stomach, then in the face, then throws him into Lady Ira, who tries to catch him but ends up getting knocked over. Baron von Boom attacks Apogee, and the two start exchanging blows. While Apogee is preoccupied, Quantum sneaks up behind and tasers Apogee in the back of the neck. While Apogee is stunned, the Baron lands several blows, and then lifts Apogee up.)

Baron von Boom: Omen! Go long!

(The Baron throws Apogee straight across the room. Before Apogee hits the wall, however, Omen uses his telekinesis to toss Apogee right back in the direction he came, and into another punch from the Baron. The blow sends Apogee flying a few feet back and then skidding across the floor, until he stops near the podium at the front of the room. Battered and beaten, Apogee groans)

Apogee: Ugh… Professor, this is your fault… you can handle it.

(Apogee presses a button on his watch. A light on the watch starts blinking.)

Baron von Boom (walking over): What did you just do?

Apogee: Nothing…

Quantum: Don’t fucking lie to us.

Apogee: You’ll see.

Baron von Boom (lifting Apogee up by the collar of his shirt): Baron von Boom will ask again. What did you just—

(Suddenly, an unfamiliar voice rings out!)

Voice: This had better be good, Apogee.

(Everyone turns to the back door and sees the legendary superhero Professor Pain standing at the door. He adjusts his mask and frowns.)

Professor Pain: What’s going on, here?

Omen: Oh my God.

Lady Ira: It’s that guy! That famous guy!

Baron von Boom: That retired famous guy. (He looks back to Apogee, still holding him) You called him here?! How?

Chandra: Perhaps they’re friends?

Baron von Boom: Pfft. Whatever. The Baron has defeated Apogee, and will defeat this one too. (He tosses Apogee aside)

Quantum: You defeated Apogee?!

Lady Ira: Don’t be a glory hog, Baron, we all did it.

Apogee: I don’t think you can call me defeated just yet…

Lady Ira: Shush, sore loser.

Professor Pain (sighing, clearly annoyed): So there’s five of you? Right.

(The Professor takes a deep breath, and then slams a fist into the ground. The floor shakes violently, knocking the five villains—plus Apogee—off balance. He then rushes forward with super-speed and within seconds, the five are defeated and are piled up in a heap.)

Baron von Boom (at the bottom of the heap): Ugh… what the hell just happened?!

Lady Ira: I think we got our asses kicked.

Omen: Shit… I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.

Lady Ira: A bus with fists.

Quantum: Chandra, are you okay?

Chandra (sitting neatly on the top of the pile): Yeah… I think he only slapped my wrists.

Baron von Boom: Probably because you’re a helpless little girl. u_u

(Meanwhile, Professor Pain has grabbed Apogee by the arm and started lecturing.)

Professor Pain: There is no excuse for your inability to handle this situation. How long did it take me to take care of them? Five seconds? Absolutely pathetic! Are we going to have to resume your training? Are you really that useless?

Apogee: I could’ve handled the situation myself.

Professor Pain: Then why the hell did you call me?

Lady Ira (pulling herself out of the heap): Heheh, Apogee’s gettin’ yelled at.

Professor Pain (looking back at Ira): You keep your mouth shut!

Apogee: They’re mad about the toys. That was your thing, I think you should deal with it.

Professor Pain (sighing): Oh, wonderful…

(Professor Pain walks back to the villains, who are all getting back on their feet. He cracks his knuckles.)

Professor Pain: Apogee is a very busy man, as I’m sure you’ll understand, and therefore he put the toy line in my hands. Any complaints concerning them should be directed to me.

Lady Ira: Er…

(The Baron clenches his fists, ready to complain in the form of violence, but before he can, Chandra steps forward.)

Chandra: We’re a little unhappy that you allowed them to make toys based on the five of us without our permission. You’re making money off of our faces, and that’s a violation of some sort of copyright law I’m sure. Furthermore, the thing that’s bothering us most is that the toys aren’t exactly flattering.

Professor Pain: You’re serious?

Chandra: Yes.

Professor Pain: You ought to be happy I saw you as being worth making toys out of at all. Honestly, what sort of villain gets bent out of shape over something like this? They used to make all sorts of toys based on the villains of my day—and a few unflattering ones of me, as well—and it wasn’t a big deal. Don’t you have anything more important to worry about?

Baron von Boom: You son of a-- (He rushes forward, but is stopped by Ira and Omen)

Omen: What’re you, crazy?

Lady Ira: That guy’s nuts! We can’t beat him!

Baron von Boom: He only took us down because we weren’t expecting it! Come on, let me go!

Professor Pain: Alright, look. If it bothers you so much, I’ll have the next series redesigned to look better and cut you a check to cover the copyrights or whatever. Is that fine?

Lady Ira: No big boobs on the new one!

Baron von Boom: If the new ones suck too we’ll totally destroy the city.

Professor Pain: Oh, I’m sure. (He rolls his eyes) Wait one moment, I’ll get my checkbook.

(Professor Pain leaves. Apogee sighs.)

Apogee: I swear to God, this is the stupidest thing ever.

Quantum: Yeah… yeah it is. -_-;

--End: Episode ten

[EP009] Damn!

(The scene is a public middle school. It’s lunchtime, and most of the students are in the cafeteria eating. Two kids, however, have snuck out and are sitting outside on a deserted side of the school.)

Ann: So that’s what all happened?

Brian (nodding): Yeah. I nearly had her, if only that stupid Omen hadn’t stepped in.

Ann: That seems so mean.

Brian: What?

Ann: I’m sure she thought that you were telling her to put up a barrier so she wouldn’t get hurt, but then you zapped her. It doesn’t seem fair.

Brian: It’s her own fault for letting her guard down. If she ever went up to me and said, “Hey, wanna see this thing I can do?” you know what I’d say? I’d say fuck no. Because I know better.

Ann: I know, but… what if you had killed her?

Brian: Honestly? I think I’d have been pretty pleased with myself.

Ann: …

Brian: … (He sighs) Look, Ann, I’m going to be honest with you: I’m a bad person. I’m the kind of person that can do terrible things and not feel particularly upset about it. I could have killed her that day and I really wish I had. That’s just who I am. And I know that you’re not like that.

Ann: Brian—

Brian: You don’t have to be involved with this. I never forced you to join me and if you wanted to leave I wouldn’t hold it against you. I understand completely. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to.

Ann: No, I—I’ve told you before, Brian. I just want you to be happy. And if you think that this will make you happy, then I want to be right there with you.

Brian: Ann, I—er… thank you.

(Brian leans in toward Ann, and their lips are almost touching when the bell rings)

Brian: Damn!

Ann (grabbing her bag): We’re going to be late, come on.

(The two rush inside and to their next class. They just barely make it in before the second bell rings, and they sit down at their desks next to the far wall, with Ann sitting behind Brian.)

Teacher: Good afternoon, class! I hope you enjoyed yesterday’s lecture about college. Keeping up with this week’s college theme, we have an actual college student here to talk about her experiences.

Brian (turning toward Ann): Groooaaan.

Ann: Oh, don’t be that way, it could be interesting.

(The door opens and who walks in? None other than Selan herself! She stands at the front of the room and raises her arms.)

Selan: Hi guys! I’m Selan and I’m a real-live college student! BE AFRAID.

(The class just kinda sits there silently, not looking very scared. The teacher leaves to go do whatever it is that teachers do when someone else is watching their class.)

Selan: Mmyep, college. Now, I may be here just for the extra credit, but I swear I’m not like reading a script or anything. So let’s see, um… College is neat. And it’s expensive. Ohh gods, get lots of scholarships because you know textbooks? Like the ones in your lockers? Well, one this big, (She motions with her hands) costs like two hundred bucks. I’m not making this up.

(Meanwhile, Brian is staring at Selan, a look of deep concentration on his face.)

Selan: And like, when a teacher says attendance isn’t mandatory? That’s a TRAP. Go to class, guys. Trust me on this one.

(Brian blinks, something’s finally clicked in his brain. He gets out a piece of paper and scribbles a note, which he discreetly passes to Ann.)

(She reads it. It says:
It’s Lady Ira. That’s her.
Ann writes on the note,
Are you sure? Why doesn’t anyone recognize her?
And passes it back to Brian. He replies with,
Why doesn’t anyone ever recognize US?
Ann replies,
Good point. What should we do?
Brian’s last response is,
I have a plan. We’ll discuss it later.
And they stop exchanging notes.)

(After class, Brian and Ann rush out to the halls.)

Brian (speaking in a whisper so other people won’t hear): This is perfect. We can attack and get her completely off-guard! We could probably use her as bait to bring the rest of her group to us and…

Ann: What about class?

Brian: We’ve only got two more, we can skip and—No, no, that’s conspicuous. You go to class, I’ll take care of this. Head to the hideout after you get out, okay?

Ann (nodding): Okay. Good luck.

(Ann runs off to get to her next class. Brian sees Selan exit the classroom and he follows her, hidden in the crowd. Eventually she exits the building and he follows, quietly, reaching into his backpack…)

Selan (getting her cell phone out): Aww man, Xeno’s at work by now. I don’t wanna have to ride with Selanio…

(She starts to dial Selanio’s number, but is cut short when a taser dart hits her in the back of the neck. A shock of electricity goes through her and she falls to the ground, unconscious. Brian looks around to see if there are any witnesses—there aren’t, and he picks her up, with some difficulty. He activates the jetpack hidden in his backpack and flies off.)

(A little over an hour later, Ann enters her and Brian’s secret headquarters, wearing her Chandra costume. She finds Brian, now dressed as Quantum, sitting at a desk with Selan’s cell phone in hand)

Quantum: Hey Ann. Ask me how perfectly this plan is working out.

Chandra: How perfectly?

Quantum: Pretty damn perfectly! (He laughs, holding out the cell phone) Look at this. She’s got photos assigned to each person on her contact list—here’s two that should look familiar to you… “Xeno” (he holds up the phone to show a picture of Xeno) and “Selanio” (he pushes a few buttons and shows her a picture of Selanio).

Chandra: Omen and the Baron, I assume?

Quantum: Damn right. I’ve already called Baron von Boom—sorry, ”Selanio”, and told him we have her. I told him I’d call again with information as to where to meet us and everything… we’ve got to set something up so that everything will be in our favor.

Chandra: Where’s Ira?

Quantum: In the other room, I’ve got her in that cage. Told you we’d need it.

Chandra: Have you talked to her at all?

Quantum: Pfft, no. You know how much she annoys me.

Chandra: I’m going to go check on her.

Quantum: Okay.

(Chandra walks down a hall and into another room. Selan is sitting in a metal cage that isn’t tall enough for her to be able to stand up in, listening to her iPod. She takes her earbuds out upon seeing Chandra.)

Selan: Heeeeey. Does Quantum have my phone? I can’t find it.

Chandra: Yeah, he has it.

Selan: Can I have it back? I’m bored out of my mind here. I’ve got Tetris on that thing.

Chandra: I don’t think he’s going to give it to you.

Selan: You sure?

Chandra: I’m pretty positive, yeah.

Selan: Well, then you go tell Brian he’s a jerk. u_u

Chandra: … Um… say that again?

Selan (smiling): Tell Brian that he is a jerk.

Chandra: Ah… uh oh.

(Chandra runs back to the first room)

Chandra: Brian, you didn’t tell her your real name, did you?

Quantum: Of course not. Why the hell would I do that?

Chandra: Well, she knows it.

Quantum: What?!

Chandra: She knows your name.

(Quantum stands and stomps down the hall. He finds Selan sitting with a very smug smile on her face.)

Quantum: What the hell is going on here?

Selan: Selan doesn’t have any idea what you’re talking about.

Quantum: Don’t give me that bullshit! How’d you find out my name?!

Selan: Selan should ask the same question. Or—oh! I see. You’re those kids from the middle school, aren’t you? The ones that were passing notes. That’s not polite, you know.

Quantum (pulling his laser from his belt): Stop fucking around and answer my question.

Selan (shrugging): Well, you know, Omen’s been keeping an eye on you two with his powers and all, and the other day he just sort of stumbled upon your secret identities and where you live~!

Chandra (whispering to Quantum): This is bad.

Quantum (nodding at Chandra’s statement): How come you didn’t do anything about it before?

Selan: What, like attack you when you’re at home? Ahahaaa, Selan isn’t that crass, unlike someone I know. I’m sure the Baron would’ve wanted to, but we didn’t tell him… I’m sure Omen will be happy to share the information, though, once he knows you’ve got me.

Quantum: … shit! Shit! We’re fucked!

Chandra: Calm down, Brian, calm down…

Quantum: I will not calm down! We are so fucking fucked! They could go to Apogee and tell him where to find me, or—or— (he whispers to Ann) What if they tell my mom what I’ve been doing?!

Chandra: Your mom? Wouldn’t it be worse if they told my dad? You know, my dad the cop?

Quantum: We’re so fucked.

Selan: You know, there’s an easy solution to all this…

Chandra: Hm? What’s that?

Selan: Let me go before Omen and the Baron do anything rash, of course!

Quantum: But—

Chandra: You’re not seriously going to argue with her.

Quantum: … God. I hate this. This was so perfect.

Chandra: Well it’s not perfect now. Where’re the keys?

(Quantum reaches into his pocket and procures a key, which he dejectedly hands to Chandra. She unlocks the cage, and Selan crawls out. She stretches a bit, then holds her hand out to Quantum.)

Selan: Selan no denwa o kudasai?

(Brian assumes Selan is talking about her phone, which he hands to her. He opens his mouth to speak, but Selan’s phone chooses this moment to ring. She looks at it, sees that Xeno is calling, and answers it.)

Selan: Haaaaai, moshi moshi? … No, it’s cool, Selan took care of the situation. … you bet I did. … Aww, was the Baron worried? … (she laughs) I’m sure he did! Aww, well anyway, I’ll give you a call once I know where I am so you know where to pick me up, ‘kay? … ‘Kay. Hugs and love! Bye.

(She hangs up)

Selan: There we go, crisis averted. <3

Quantum: Whoopee. 9_9

Selan (looking at her phone): So you were using my phone, hmm? Ahh, so you must’ve figured out Omen and the Baron’s identities, huh?

Chandra: Yes, sorry.

Quantum: You don’t have to apologize for that.

Selan: So it looks like we’re gonna have to set down some ground rules, here.

Quantum: I guess so, yes.

Selan: Okay so basically… let’s just pretend like we don’t know anything, right? If we’re in public and in costume, we don’t call each other by each other’s real names and vice versa. We don’t attack each other’s alter egos, don’t attack each other at home, et cetera et cetera.

Quantum: Right…

Chandra: Sounds simple enough to me.

Selan: Okay! Remember, only losers blow each others’ covers, yeah?

Chandra: Right. n_n

Selan: Okay. Wanna show me out?

Chandra: I will. This way.

(Chandra leads Selan down a long corridor, which eventually leads to a ladder. They climb up the ladder, which leads to a manhole hidden in the middle of nowhere, behind some bushes.)

Selan (looking down at Chandra as she’s getting out of the manhole): So uh… when you’re in that skirt, you don’t let Quantum climb below you, do you?

Chandra: Hm? No. Why?

Selan: He could look up and see up your… no, never mind.

Chandra (giggling): Oh, don’t worry, he wouldn’t do that.

Selan: So where are we, anyway?

Chandra: The highway is just past those trees, there. We’re near exit 90, I think.

Selan: Okay, cool. (She dials Xeno’s number, but stops before pressing the call button) Hey, sorry I ruined your plan. It was a pretty decent plan, if not a little low. But, you know, I really don’t much like being used as bait to lead my friends to their doom.

Chandra: No, I understand completely, it’s okay.

Selan: Thanks. And now that we know each others’ secret identities, maybe we could hang out sometime! If Quantum won’t have an aneurysm, that is.

Chandra: I wouldn’t mind that. n_n

Selan: Cool! Okay. Calling Xeno now.

(Selan calls Xeno and tells him her location while Ann returns to the hideout. Ten minutes later Xeno picks Selan up and they head home.)

--End: Episode nine.

[EP008] I swear.

(The scene is Professor Marika’s office. The door is closed and locked, and Tavvy is sitting in a chair nervously. Pavel Marika sits with the back of his chair facing his nervous student.)

Tavvy: I… I can explain.

(Marika sits there, silent.)

Tavvy: Th-there were five of them, you know? And that Baron von Boom guy is a handful enough on his own, and then Omen was throwing shit at me and all of a sudden… boom! I mean, would you have seen that coming?

Marika: In an explosives warehouse? Yes.

Tavvy: The odds were against me! What would you have done?

Marika: Not let any of them leave? Not take so damn long to apprehend them? ANYTHING that was the opposite of what you did?

Tavvy (flinching): That’s harsh.

Marika: Perhaps.

(An uncomfortable silence falls over the room. Tavvy is desperate to change the subject.)

Tavvy: S-so… who’s the girl in these photos here?

Marika: My daughter.

Tavvy (noticing that Marika still sounds displeased): Oh, r-really? Does she have superpowers too?

Marika: …

Tavvy: R-right. Okay. Backing off now.

Marika: I think you need to take your duties more seriously, Tavarius.

Tavvy: I’m very serious about this thing!

Marika (turning around to face Tavvy): So how is it you haven’t arrested any of the villains in this town?

Tavvy: I’ve arrested hundreds of—

Marika: Of petty criminals. Bank robbers, muggers, burglars. Small game.

Tavvy: Well honestly, I think those people are probably more dangerous than the villains around here.

Marika: Perhaps. But the villains—Lady Ira and them, that Quantum kid—cause much more property damage and, to be honest, they reflect on you badly. Not to mention that if you let them get away without being caught, then more villains are going to spring up. They’ll get more daring the longer you let them persist.

Tavvy: I know, I know. I’m trying. It’s just… they’re slippery, you know? And honestly… they’re not like the villains we had in your day. They’re not traditional. I don’t know what the hell to expect from them… Lady Ira honestly tried to hold a conversation with me about my hair dye the other day, do you know that? They just… they throw me off. It’s not just dash in and fight—I can do that! It’s dash in, fight, and have weird fucking conversations where I don’t know what the hell is going on.

Marika: You’re just going to have to learn to deal with it.

Tavvy: That’s really helpful, Professor.

(The phone on Marika’s desk rings. He picks it up.)

Marika: Yes? … Yes. One moment. (he puts his hand over the receiver and looks at Tavvy) I have to take this. You may go. I’ve already left a new jetpack at your apartment—try not to break this one.

Tavvy: Jeez…

(Tavvy leaves, frowning to himself. He exits the building to find his friend Cathal waiting for him.)

Cathal: Damn, man, you look like someone just killed your puppy.

Tavvy: Ugh. That Marika really knows how to make me feel lousy.

Cathal: What is it you do for that guy, anyway?

Tavvy: He doesn’t really want me talking about it. He’s the secretive writer type, you know?

Cathal (nodding): I know the type. My boss is the same way. Is the pay good, at least?

Tavvy: Lousy.

Cathal: Why do you do it, then?

(Tavvy shrugs)

Tavvy: I don’t know. I kind of like doing it, most of the time. It’s fun when Marika isn’t chewing me out.

Cathal: Ahh, I’m jealous. My job pays well, but most of the work’s shit. Especially now, with the new management.

Tavvy: New boss screwing everything up?

Cathal: Seriously.

Tavvy: That sucks…

(Tavvy looks around and sees Selan walking by. He waves.)

Tavvy: Hey! (He pauses briefly, trying to remember her name) … Selan!

Cathal: Oh? Tavvy calling out to a girl…?

Tavvy: Shut up.

(Selan walks over)

Selan: It’s green-hair man! How is green-hair man doing?

Cathal (grinning, amused): His name’s Tavvy.

Selan: Tavvy! Yeah! Selan totally knew that! Toooootally.

Tavvy: Ah… thanks for helping me out the other day.

Selan: No problem!

Tavvy: Are you doing okay? You look a little tired.

Selan: Ahh, Selan had an exhausting day yesterday and is all tired now. You know how it is.

Tavvy: Aw man, me too. Work was crazy.

Selan: Buu for crazy work days!

Cathal: Booooo.

Tavvy: Booooo.

Selan: Well anyway, I gotta go meet my homie, so I’ll see you later, ‘kay?

Tavvy: Okay. Bye.

(Selan waves and skips off)

Cathal: Hmm. Not bad, if you don’t mind the lack of boobs. I approve.

Tavvy: What?

Cathal: Oh, come on. You’re not entertaining the idea of asking her out?

Tavvy: Of course not. I barely know her.

Cathal: Heh. Sure.

Tavvy: Not everyone’s always out for a piece of ass like you are.

Cathal: Maybe you should be. You’re wasting your college experience, staying in and working for that professor all day and night. Go out and live a little!

Tavvy: I’m living plenty! So much so, in fact, that I dare not imagine trying to fit a girlfriend into my schedule.

Cathal: Ah, Tavvy the hermit. A lost cause.

Tavvy: I swear I’m not a hermit.

Cathal: I swear I don’t believe you. (His phone beeps, and he gets it out and reads a text message) Damn, duty calls. I’ll talk to you later, hermit.

Tavvy: Good riddance. =<

Cathal: Hey, don’t be that way! (He starts to walk off) Bye!

Tavvy: Right, bye…

(Tavvy starts walking in another direction, toward his car)

Tavvy: I wonder if my new jetpack’ll be like, super fast? … (he shakes his head) No, with my luck it’ll probably be some crappy old one he had lying around… sigh…

--End: Episode eight

[EP007] Should I just...

(The scene is an unmarked government building, surely home to all sorts of secret technologies. Lady Ira and her cohorts are standing outside, ready for their next attack.)

Lady Ira: Aw man, this is gonna be sweet. I bet there’s like a UFO or something in there.

Omen: I doubt that. I’m sure they keep those sorts of things in more remote locations.

Lady Ira: No, man, they just want you to THINK that so you don’t go looking for UFOs here!

Omen: Well, I guess we’ll see…

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom will be happy enough just with secret super-explosives.

Omen: Guys, I think this is just some sort of military storage place. Probably lots of explosives, but I doubt there’s much secret stuff.

Baron von Boom: Grenades?

Omen: Probably.

Baron von Boom: Meh, that’ll do.

Lady Ira: Okay, let’s do this thing!

Baron von Boom: Right!

(The Baron charges up some energy into his hand, and brings his fist into the wall—the energy releases upon impact, causing an explosion that takes out the whole wall)

Omen (as they’re entering, noticing the alarms): Guys, won’t they send, like, armed guards at us?

Baron von Boom: Nah, they always end up waiting for Apogee to come save them. The authorities in this city are pathetic.

Lady Ira: Yeah, and you yourself said that Quantum would be raiding some place today, so Apogee should be busy. Once again we are home free! Ooh look—what’re those?

Baron von Boom: Rocket launchers! Fuck yes!

(The three start picking up whatever implement of destruction catches their eyes, until, to their surprise, Apogee’s familiar voice calls out…)

Apogee: A little daring today, aren’t we?

Lady Ira (Looking at Apogee, then at Omen): Wait… wait. Omen, you said he’d be busy.

Omen: I thought he would be!

Baron von Boom: Maybe he finished early?

Lady Ira: Nah, Quantum usually takes Apogee more time than that to get rid of… Hey! Apogee! Quick question!

Apogee: What?

Lady Ira: Have you heard anything about, like, Quantum raiding any places today?

Apogee: No, why?

Lady Ira: Damn! Omen, you were wrong!

Omen: I’m never wrong! Maybe Apogee just hasn’t heard about it yet, or maybe—

(Just then, Quantum and Chandra bust in from the ceiling—obviously not having noticed the gaping hole in the wall on the other side of the building. Quantum looks down and seems a bit irritated to find that he’s already been beaten there.)

Quantum: Oh, goddammit.

Lady Ira: Hey, there he is!

Baron von Boom (to Omen): What the hell?

Omen: Oops… I didn’t realize he’d be raiding this place.

Baron von Boom: Good going. 9_9

Lady Ira: Quantum! You’re like ten minutes late!

Quantum: What the hell are you talking about?

Chandra: We got delayed.

Omen: Jeez…

Apogee: … Okay, I’m just a little confused.

Chandra: So am I, actually…

Lady Ira: Dammit, you gotta be on time! Else Apogee comes after us and… (She realizes she wasn’t supposed to have said that … and…

Quantum: You—you’ve been using us as a distraction?!

Lady Ira: Well, um… not as such…

Quantum: You bastards! (He gets out his laser and starts firing) All this time, I’ve been getting my ass kicked and you’ve been getting away scot-free?!

(Lady Ira covers herself and her comrades with a barrier)

Baron von Boom: Well, maybe if you didn’t suck so much you wouldn’t get your ass kicked all the time!

(Quantum growls and pulls a familiar taser-like item from his belt. Ira’s eyes widen)

Lady Ira: Shit! I know that thing!

(Quantum fires the taser dart and Ira drops her barrier, jumping out of the way. Baron von Boom starts throwing energy bolts and Omen uses his telekinesis to levitate and throw various objects at Quantum. Meanwhile, Chandra and Apogee stand at the sidelines.)

Apogee: Um… I thought I was supposed to, er…

Chandra: Sigh…

Apogee: Should I just, you know… leave?

Chandra (shrugging): If you’d like.

Apogee: Nah, I can’t… (under his breath, to himself) The Professor would have my head…

Chandra: Oh well. (She calls out to Quantum) Be careful around all the explosives, Quantum!

Quantum: I know, I know! (He tries shooting the Baron with his laser, but Baron dodges) Dammit, stay still!

Baron von Boom: Do you really think I’ll stay still just because you said to?!

Quantum: It’d make things a lot easier for me… (He groans) Stop running around in front of the gunpowder, fucktard! I don’t want to blow myself up too!

(The Baron sticks his tongue out at Quantum and shoots more energy bolts)

Lady Ira: You be careful too, Baron! This whole place could go up if you do something wrong!

Apogee: Maybe you guys shouldn’t be fighting here at all. I mean, I was just gonna use my fists, you can’t set off explosives with that…

Omen (throwing more stuff at Quantum): No one asked you!

Apogee (rolling his eyes): Fine then. No skin off my back if this place explodes, I’ve got the whole invulnerability thing going…

Lady Ira (shielding the Baron from laser fire): Showoff! You’ve only got limited invulnerability and you know it!

Apogee: It’s good enough!

Chandra: You know, I’ve been wondering. Where did you get your powers, anyway?

Apogee: Y-you’re serious? I don’t really tell those sorts of things to villains…

Chandra: Is it personal?

Apogee: Yes, it’s personal!

Chandra: Oh, sorry.

Apogee: This is ridiculous. Okay, I’m stepping in.

(Apogee walks in between the dueling villains and, shielding his face from the various lasers and energy bolts and such that are hitting him, makes his way over to Quantum. Quantum tries to attack, but is hit by a chair thrown by Omen. While he’s distracted, Apogee snatches the laser out of Quantum’s hand and snaps it in half. Quantum reaches for his belt, but before he can get out another weapon Apogee grabs him and throws him across the room, at Baron von Boom. Baron catches the young mad scientist and proceeds to toss him over his shoulder, as though he were a used gum wrapper. Quantum crashes into a shelf full of ammunition, which falls over on top of him. Apogee and Baron von Boom, meanwhile, have begun fist-fighting.)

Chandra (helping Quantum up): Maybe we should get out of here. We obviously aren’t going to get anything here.

Quantum: But…

Chandra: We’re outnumbered. Between them and Apogee, it’s four of them against the two of us. And I’m barely armed so I don’t think you can even count me.

Quantum: … you’re right. (He sighs, rubbing his head) But fuck, I can’t believe they’ve been using us. I just wanna… ugh!

Chandra: We’ll get them later. Don’t lose your head.

Quantum (frowning): … Come on.

(He takes Chandra by the hand and activates his rockets. The two of them fly up and out the hole in the ceiling, until they’re high above the building. Quantum stops, however, and the two hover above…)

Lady Ira (Looking up): Hey, the little kid left!

Omen (Also looking up): No wait, he’s stopped. What’s he…

(Just then, something falls to the ground. It makes a beeping noise.)

Baron von Boom: Oh, shit—!!

(The object explodes, setting off a chain reaction. Within milliseconds the entire building is nothing more than a plume of flame and smoke rising into the sky. Quantum and Chandra look down on the inferno, frowns on their faces.)

Chandra: I really doubt that took any of them out.

Quantum: I know.

Chandra: We should go.

(Quantum nods, and they fly off. Down in the crater that was once a government building, Apogee stands, coughing in the smoke, his clothes tattered and his jetpack destroyed.)

Apogee: Ugh… crazy little…

(He looks around, and sees Lady Ira and her group all standing under a barrier. Lady Ira finally drops the barrier, the danger gone, and nearly collapses, falling into the Baron’s arms.)

Lady Ira: Buuuu… bad explosion, mean explosion…

Omen: I think she’s spent.

Baron von Boom (looking up at Apogee before looking back at Omen): The hero’s still standing.

Lady Ira (a little out of it): Beat him up~

Baron von Boom: You don’t have to tell me twice! (He shoves Ira into Omen’s arms and stomps off toward Apogee)

Omen: You sure you’re okay to keep fighting, Ira?

Lady Ira: Ira is fine! Ira is completely okay~ (She steps away from Omen, wobbling a bit)

(Baron von Boom flies past them, having been thrown by Apogee. Ira looks over to see if the Baron is okay, but gets pelted by Apogee’s heat vision, knocking her back a distance.)

Omen: … damn.

(Omen runs over, dodging more blasts from the hero’s laser eyes, and picks Ira up)

Lady Ira: I’m okaaaayyy…

Omen: Baron, are you alright?

Baron von Boom (standing up with a bloody nose): Da, completely fine.

Omen: Why do you guys always say you’re fine when you’re obviously not?!

Lady Ira: Toooootally fiiiine~

Omen (looking over at Apogee): Hey! Apogee! How about we call this one a draw and go home, eh?

Apogee: I’d rather not! I’m going to be in deep trouble for ruining this jetpack and losing the building, you know, and I’d like to have at least one arrest to show for it!

Omen: Jeez…

Baron von Boom (wiping the blood from his nose): I can take him, come on.

Omen: Goddamn, man, he really did a number on your face, huh?

Baron von Boom: Baron von Boom will be fine by tomorrow.

Omen: I really think we should get the hell out of here.

(Apogee starts shooting his heat vision again. The villains jump out of the way, and Baron von Boom responds with energy bolts. Omen shakes Ira)

Omen: Ira, you still conscious?

Lady Ira: Buuu…

Omen: There’s no point in staying here. There’s nothing left to steal and we’re in bad shape. Give the Baron a retreat order, okay?

Lady Ira: Ira could use a nap… okay. Retreeeeaaat~

Baron von Boom: Ah, damn.

Omen (looking in Ira’s sleeve): Where do you keep those smoke bombs…?

(Ira rummages through her sleeves and hands Omen a smoke bomb. He throws it at the ground and the area is enveloped in smoke.)

Apogee: Damn! (He starts shooting eye beams into the smoke, but doesn’t seem to hit anything. When the smoke clears, everyone is gone.) … the Professor is gonna kill me!

(Apogee’s watch starts to beep. He looks at it and, seeing that it’s Marika trying to contact him, he drops it and crushes it under his heel.)

Apogee: The explosion destroyed it. Yeah.

End: Episode seven.

[EP006] Where do you think...

(Selan is laying, stomach-down, on the short couch in the house as Xeno sits on the other couch, watching TV.)

Selan: Fuuu….

Xeno: There’s nothing on.

Selan: Let’s do something.

Xeno: Like what?

Selan: Like… like attack the city with dinosaurs.

Xeno: Let’s do it.

Selan: Really?

Xeno: No.

Selan: Aww.

(Xeno flips the channel again.)

Selan: Why not?

Xeno: Do we have any dinosaurs?

Selan: Maybe in the garage?

Xeno: Why would there be dinosaurs in the garage?

Selan: I’unno. Everything ends up in the garage. I know I used to have a cape, but it got into the garage…

Xeno: Maybe that’s for the best…

Selan: Hm?

Xeno: No, nevermind.

Selan: Where do you think they sell dinosaurs?

Xeno: They don’t.

Selan: Maybe Wal-mart. I know they sell dinosaur pasta there.

Xeno: Dinosaur pasta does not equal dinosaur.

Selan (calling out): Selanio! Where do they sell dinosaurs?!

Selanio (poking his head out of his room): Dinosaurs?

Selan: You know, like ROAARR, step on houses, wreck up island theme parks.

Selanio: Selanio is pretty sure those are extinct.

Xeno: THANK you.

Selan: I bet we could clone one. We'll make a dinosaur out of SCIENCE.

Xeno: How would we go about doing that?

Selan: I dunno. Selanio knows… chemicals. And things.

Selanio: Selanio knows bombs and his chemistry homework. As amazing as we all know I am, I don’t think dinosaurs are happening.

Selan (pouting): I bet Quantum could make a dinosaur.

Selanio (rolling his eyes): So go ask him for one.

Selan: Selan doesn’t want to get electrocuted again =<

Xeno: Then that’s the end of that.

Selan: I guess…

(Selanio returns to his room. Xeno continues to flip around.)

Selan: … it’s just that, you know, we’d have the element of surprise. Apogee wouldn’t be able to do anything, he’d be too busy sitting there wondering, “A dinosaur? Where the crap did they get that?!” And then of course we’d be riding the dinosaur, which is like every kid’s dream so don’t tell me that isn’t cool.

Xeno: Selan, are you high?

Selan: I’m really not.

Selanio (walking back out): I bet she binged on sugar or something. You know how loopy she gets when her blood sugar gets weird.

Xeno (glaring at Selan): Please tell me you haven’t gotten into any pixie stix.

Selan: Selan has eaten only healthy things today, thank you! I’m completely in my right mind.

Xeno: Are you sure?

Selan (ignoring him): Does Wal-mart sell dinosaur costumes?

Selanio: It’s not October, so Selanio doubts it.

Selan: Aw, buu.

Xeno: Seriously, what is with this dinosaur thing all of a sudden?

Selan: I just thought it’d be cool, is all.

Selanio: Dinosaurs would be badass. They would also be impossible.

Selan: Selan thinks on Halloween we should attack the city dressed as dinosaurs.

Selanio: I’m in.

Xeno: I’m not.

Selanio: You’re so lame, Xeno.

Selan: Seriously! Why don’t you wanna dress up?

Xeno: It’d be stupid.

Selan: It’d be amazing!

Selanio: Just imagine the news reports.

Selan (laughing): Aww man, I hadn’t even thought of that!

Xeno: That’s even worse! That shit’d end up on Youtube, and then everyone’s going to remember us as the villains who dressed up as dinosaurs that one time.

Selan: How is this a bad thing?

Selanio: Just order him to do it or something. I mean, he’s always all like “blah blah Selan’s the leader, blah blah do what she says”, so if you tell him to do it he’s got to, right?

Selan: Selan orders you to dress up like a dinosaur, Xeno!

Xeno: Isn’t this an abuse of your power?

Selan: Selan is a villain. Abusing power is what villains do.

Selanio (nodding): Absolutely right!

Xeno (groaning): This has got to be the stupidest conversation we have ever had.

Selan: Selan can think of a couple stupider ones.

Selanio (snickering): Like the time you wanted to go after Batman?

Selan: That wasn’t—He’s the goddamn Batman! Killing him would send a message, okay?!

Xeno: He isn’t real.

Selan: That’s a liiiieee.

Xeno (looking at his watch): Well, you two can keep talking about dinosaurs and Batman or whatever, I have to get to work.

Selan: Ask Dougal if he knows where to get some dinosaurs and-or dinosaur costumes!

Xeno (going out the door): Not doing it!

(Xeno leaves. Walking out the door, he sighs and shakes his head.)

--End: Episode six